...oLd MaN...

Thursday, June 2, 2011

well today is June 2, 2011

i am working at the hospital this morning and just had quite the experience that i just had to share.

as i was about to leave my last patient for the morning...his neighbor (the hospital i work at has double rooms) summoned me to come to his bed.  He said he has to tell me something...so nicely i walk over to him and ask what he is needing with a pleasant smile on my face. as i approach this elderly man who looks to be bed ridden he says:

"God has done two things right in this world...He put the best Pus*y's (another word for Vagina) on Colored women, and he allowed me to see you this morning!"

OK as soon as i heard the words "vagina" and "colored women" my mouth instantly dropped...i was speechless...could not help but blink endlessly as i still could not believe what this random guy (who i did not know) just said to me...and as he finished his statement with "allowing me to see you" that is when i lost all control...i laughed hysterically as this old man  and he in return laughed with me. As i am walking out of the room thanking this guy for his words of wisdom he winks at me and we part ways...

needless to say i defiantly was not expecting this kind of surprise at 5AM on a rainy Thursday morning. 

but at the same time...i guess you can admire his humor....

So i guess the moral of today's story is that black women have the best vagina's? maybe i should call up or text a few of my ex's and see if they agree....LoL

...AnOtHeR oNe BiTeS tHe DuSt...

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

well world i would like to introduce to you Mr. Rodeo Cowboy...

i was hesitant at first to speak of this man...in hopes of me sharing my excitement and happiness with him would somehow jinx the great streak that we had going on...but what i have come to realize is regardless if i speak of him or not...things will go good...or things will go bad. But in this case i was defiantly hoping for the good....

Mr. Rodeo Cowboy (I call him this because he use to be a rodeo cowboy! now he is the PR manager of a company here in Missouri)...has graced me with his charm...his smile...his hilarious sense of humor...not to mention his generous tips for several months at the bar (this encounter started back in October of 2010 but the real story starts in January 2011).  One night at the close of my dinner shift Mr. Rodeo Cowboy

and his friends were there yet again ordering their usual buckets of beer and favorite cherry bomb shots.  As usual he flirts with me, encouraging me to come have a drink with them and hang out for a bit. So me being in the "dating" mood i once was in agreed. Previously before this instance i would have a shot then head home because i usually had to be up early the next day. But seeing as he had made a little more effort on this occasion i decided to stay.  Despite the fact that it was the Saturday night before Valentines day...i was excited to have someone actually show a genuine interest in me.  After small conversation (and of course flirting) Mr. Rodeo Cowboy decides to ask me what my plans were for the week. Well i did indeed had a date set for the next day but this guy had to cancel because of work (yea a usual thing for me and guys that are older than me). Putting heavy emphasis that i was looking to fill this now void and vacant time that i had set aside for a date...Mr. Rodeo Cowboy decided to ask me out on a date.

Mr. Rodeo Cowboy pulled out all the stops...came to pick me up...let me choose the place (after flirting and arguing over where we should go in the first place)...paid for the meal...and even at the end of the meal we spent quite a bit of time just hanging out and laughing. it was the first time EVER that i actually did not want a date to end. So as he walked me to my front door...and acted as if he wanted to kiss me...he didn't...gave me at first a hand shake...and then gave me a hug...and left me for the night.

well needless to say we went on SEVERAL other dates after that (none of which he tried to kiss me or overly bearing with affection) but there was still heavy flirting and indications of some type of possible connection between us. He even picked me up from the train station when i made it back from Chicago (when i was there for march madness).  After all of the "good morning/good night text"...all the dates....all the hanging out....after the finally awaited first kiss...all the drinks and shots at the bar...Mr. Rodeo Cowboy is turning to end up somewhat "like the rest of them".

Yes he is quite charming...and has the personality of someone who you would always want to be around no matter if you had a horrible day or not...he has a great smile and the conversation is never dull. He is tall, and has amazing eyes that you can get lost in. oh did i mention he is tall? LoL

Well recently i noticed a little distance with the "good morning/good night" text and overall conversations....actually the texts/conversations started to come less and less...my hints of me wanting to hang out would be replied with a "we will figure something out" instead of the actual set of day/plans like we use to. And when i would see him out at the bar he was not as friendly and would not flirt as much. And all i could ask was...why? what did i do (Again)? it seems like i cant keep someone around for longer than a few months...and that was the frustrating part.

Well me being me...i wanted to know. So as usual i send him a text after being somewhat ignored one night (not to mention he was flirting/hitting on a girl that was standing six feet away from where i was) .
i simply said..."hey, so there are a few ?'s i need to ask you and there are some things i want to say...i can text you, i can call you, or we can meet up and talk about it...your choice".  Well deep down i was hoping he would want to meet...but that was wishful thinking...instead i got this reply..."whats wrong"...i told him nothing was wrong. i was just confused as to what "this" was and wanted to know so we could be on the same page. i said i did not want to be expecting things from him if there was nothing worth expecting...i wanted to know if he was just trying to get after me to have sex (or to just mess around)...if he just wanted to be Friends...wanted friends with benefits...or if he was truly feeling me and was just super busy with his life and other things that were going on...i said regardless i just wanted to know...no hard feelings...i would respect him and not be mad for any reason he gave me....his reply..."i don't know...but you worry too much"...that was it...nothing else...

WTF!?!?

Ok now i was confused more than ever...and at this point slightly...no VERY annoyed...why couldn't i get a straight answer? i was putting it all out on the table...and just wanted to know what i was dealing with. I'm sorry but i have been trying so hard to find one person to connect with and one person worth spending my time with and for once...i thought i had found it...but i guess not.

So after this i defiantly started making my space...not really communicating with him (seeing as i was the one who recently has been initiating everything) and to be honest it feels good. i am learning to just distance myself for people who are just not worth the time or the worry. yes i was slightly hurt...and i think i got so upset one night that i may have teared up a little bit. But to be honest i am happy with who i am and my life right now and if i cant have someone who can be apart of that (with no games and not confusion) then i don't want that. I am so happy with me right now that i just want someone there dragging me down. I would worry about Mr. Rodeo Cowboy all the time...what am i doing wrong...or did i not do something right...and one day i realized that it was not me at all. that it was all him and there is nothing i can do about that.

well i did happen to drive by his house yesterday on my way to teach a workout session at the fitness center. not expecting to see him at all...it was perfect timing. he has just gotten home and was outside walking to the mailbox (and yes at that very moment he was waiting to cross the street i drive by) i could see him smile as i know he noticed my car...but all i did was ignore him. i felt kinda bad about it right after it happened...but then again why should i?

I'm defiantly learning to live and let go...and i think with Mr. Rodeo Cowboy i have just let go. I am so much happier now that i don't worry if he will call or text or if i will see him. and to be honest i enjoy my days so much more not having to worry. I realize this is a HUGE step for me because in the past i would not have let go so fast or so easy...so maybe there is hope for me after all...

but as for Mr. Rodeo Cowboy...see ya around...and don't be expecting me to give you VIP service at the bar anymore but PLEASE feel free to keep giving me those genrous tips!....LoL

...SuMmA tyMe...

Thursday, May 26, 2011

well it is finally here!!!
being welcomed by mother natures furry...bring on the heat, the humidity, the sun, and the fun!
this time of year (minus the thunder storms and most recent influx of awful tornado's) is my favorite time of year! This time of year i have noticed i am way more motivated...my overall mood and demeanour is high and i enjoy life so much more. could it be because of the warmth and continuous sunshine? maybe...but all i know is that i LOVE it!

Over the past few weeks, i have had to explain my life goals to several people who have been trying to figure out my life (don't worry they are not the only ppl trying to figure it out...i am constantly trying to figure my life out). These people consist with different people in the hospital that i work with...doctors that i see regularly and who spark up small conversations in the elevators....or distant family members/friends who randomly send me facebook messages.  Each time i give them the generic "i am in graduate school currently doing research but later hope to enter and finish medical school" speech.

But what hit me today was what if i don't go to medical school?
OK first i want to make a point that i am 99% positive that sooner or later (hopefully sooner rather than later) i will get into medical school and become a doctor. But the doubt is still alive and i see it. I have worked so hard during my whole academic career to mold my learning's around the medical field. I have dreamed of nothing but wearing the white coat and having "M.D." or "D.O." attached the end of my name.  To have a Fancy stethoscope and to obsess over my patients charts.  I know life does not always deal you the hand that you are hoping and wishing for, but i do not  and cant see myself doing anything else for the rest of my life.

Since i have graduated from college i have seriously done some soul searching and looking to see if it what i really want and if it what i really want to do...for the rest of my life...and it is. i have looked into other careers and i cant see myself doing anything else (other than being a rock star but i defiantly cant sing and i cant play the guitar or drums).

I find comfort in know exactly what i want to do with my life and what direction i am trying to work towards. i meet so many college graduates and i still have quite a few friends who are just unsure of what direction they want to take in their life. They are hoping from job to job...some still living with their parents...some got distracted by love which lead to marriage and a family which them led them to settle for any job rather than their ideal or dream job. i may not be sure about a lot of things that go on in my life but i am sure that one day everyone will have to address me by "Doctor"

I have truly learned what it means when someone says "if you don't work hard for what you want you truly wont appreciate it"...this saying has held up for me in many different cases. And i know it will hold true once again when i finally accomplish my biggest goal in life...saving lives one person at a time...one day at a time...and dedicating my life to server other people to overall change their lives and make it better.

...tHe LiGhT...

Monday, May 23, 2011

The Light.... the great song by Common...the light starts off:

"There are times.. when you'll need someone..

I will be by your side..

There is a light, that shines,

special for you, and me.."

If you have never heard this song look it up on YouTube...



Pull up The Light  lyrics and read along as he raps words of wisdom...



This song eludes the perfect feeling when you find that one person that turns your world around.
This song is an outline to...the perfect guidelines for that relationship we (well i cant speak for all but i know that i speak for myself) are looking for. And with this song, on those days that i am annoyed that i have yet to find someone worth my time...it makes me hopeful...and it reminds me that my day will come...eventually...and hopefully sooner than later. But until then...i will continue to listen to this song...nod my head to the beat...rap along with Common...and just smile...

...CrAvInGs...

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Well you know when you have a craving for your favorite food. Something you have not had in months. Like a staple food that was once in your diet but now is not because it is not possible for you to obtain that food due to moving away or that one person who made the food for you is unable to do so...

Well I currently have a deep craving. A craving to be held...a craving to be wanted by someone other than my family or girl friends...a craving for a companion that is there when I need them the most...a craving for love.

See I got rid of this craving a long time ago. To be honest about this time last year. But as the summer progressed and guys took notice to me again I began to get a slight taste of what it feels like to be wanted...a feeling of being needed and being important to someone in their life.

Well as usual that feeling slowly faded just as quickly as the men that had made their way into my life. And as the men left the craving stayed...and is slowly...gradually getting worse.

I don't know how I got rid of this craving last year but I am searching really hard for something else in my life that will take over and kick this craving away for good.

Until then I guess I will suffer...eternally be craving this feeling...and worrying that the cure for this craving will never come...

Off to workout...hopefully this will curb my "appetite" long enough that I can get home and fall asleep and get a good night or rest for once this week.



....until next time...

posted from Bloggeroid

posted from Bloggeroid

...HuMp DaY...

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

...*sigh*...Today is Wednesday...

last night, i was not able to sleep well at all.
despite the fact that i laid in bed for almost a hour before i slightly dozed off, only to be waken up by the bass of my roomies stereo system...despite the fact that i tossed and turned all night still trying to find that one comfortable spot...despite the fact that my mind was racing with things that i did not get done yesterday...despite the fact that my mind was racing with things that i need to get done today...despite the fact that my own personal issues were/are still heavy on my mind...and despite the fact that i had the feeling that i had to make myself go to sleep because i knew i had to be up at 4:00 AM...i still managed to get enough rest that i am not dog tired this morning.

so as i hop out of bed (at the very last minute)...race to brush my teeth, do something to my hair, put on my work clothes, find my shoes, gather the things i need for the day, take my vitamin, and run out the door...i still managed to throw a smile on my face.

As the summer slowly approaches i realize all the things that i do need to get done and to be honest that list is not very long this year. on top of work out and study for the MCAT there is nothing else that really excites me or gives me something to look forward to for this summer. oh not to mention getting my wisdom teeth pulled out :-/

Well on another note i am finally getting my car fixed...
i had a small incident back in August (yes last August)
i was going on a trip to see someone and a semi-truck decided to shower me with loose gravel as they were going entirely too fast on a small two lane highway. no major damage was done. just cracks in my windshield...lots of dents and scratches to my hood and front bumper...minor scratches on the right passenger side of my car from swerving and landing somewhat 1/2 in the shoulder and 1/2 in the grass of the country road that i was on...but after finally biting the bullet i took my baby in to get her cosmetic surgery done. i waited so long because yes my insurance paid for the damages, but i had a hefty $500 deductible i was not too happy about paying. but after working my butt off these past few months i managed to get other more important things paid for as well as slowly save up the cash to get my car fixed.

i must say i got pretty lucky with the rental car that i got while my car is being fixed. it is a Chrysler Sebring. it is not too shabby. it has leather seats (and yes they are heated but def not needed seeing as it is summer time). not to mention the AWESOME satellite radio that it comes with. KVegas does not usually carry such high caliber type rental cars. usually you are lucky to get a car that has cruise control...but this car indeed has all the bells and whistles. and lucky for me i have it for the whole week! i find myself just driving around just to jam out to the satellite radio. I will say the leather seats are very nice and the stereo is pretty amazing...but i def miss my baby right about now. but i will have her back in a few days and she will look as good as new. i am happy that i finally have the time to get her fixed up just in time for the summer time.

well its time to actually get to work....
Lord please let it be a good day...happy patients = happy nurses = happy doctors = Me having a good day!

...SuMmEr TyMe...

Monday, May 16, 2011

well ladies and gents it is time for SUMMER!
well, not quite yet, but these past few days filled with sunshine...warm weather...birds chirping...allergies flaring...*sigh* yes i know the heat wave is on its way!!

why do i love summer so much? well for one...most of my amazing wardrobe is filled with amazing cute summer clothes...things i could ONLY wear in the summer time. So this time of year is when i dress the best. and i have time to sleep in and put more time and effort into my appearance. lets face it when it is cold outside...that leads me to be lazy and not so enthusiastic about getting dressed up to go and be out in the cold. but when the sun is out, wind is blowing...that is motivation enough for me to get up and actually put on something decent. not sure why that is...maybe it is because i am always cold (and it is even worse in the winter time) so especially in the winter i have to layer up...and that top layer almost always consists of on of my favorite sweat shirts.

i get to travel (not that i don't already plan alot of trips as is...)
not to mention i think i just look better in a sundress rather than some crappy jeans and a sweater.
this is how i know that eventually i will have to move somewhere where it is not cold for very long.
i need the sunshine and the heat to survive!

i am starting to notice that i am stuck in this rut of my everyday life...
...waking up...
...going to work or research...
...getting home...
...working out...
...going to bed or going to work at the bar...

my life has become quite routine and it is starting to drive me a little stir crazy.
lucky for me at the end of the month i will get to go to STL to my sorority sisters wedding.
i am really excited because i know alot of the people that are going to be there so it is going to be one huge reunion with some amazing dancing...and some amazing cocktails...LoL

i have decided to ask my roomie (yes she is a girl) to be my date to the wedding.
i have no one else (of the male perspective) that would fit the bill to be my date to this function.
i mean i know that i have people that i could ask but i would much rather go with my roomie n e way. this will guarantee a great time...and i wont have to worry about making "him" feel comfortable while i am out re-connecting with all the people at the reception.  she knows most of the people that will be there as well so i know the only thing i will have to worry about is not drinking too much...LoL...

Well its Monday...
my day off...
heading to the movies later...
def let you know how that goes laters

...2 ScArEd 2 CaRe...

Thursday, May 12, 2011

As i grow older i notice how i change...
ok i will admit right now that i am a little vain.
my roomie and i talk alot about how we think we have gotten better looking as we have started to grow older. and yes i couldn't agree with her more. LoL maybe it is me just filling my quota of "Self Love" but i do think highly of myself...if i don't...then why wouldn't i expect someone else to feel the same way?

 recently a string of events make me realize in fact how much of a "girl" i really am.
i take pride in being "different" and not like "other girls i know"...when in fact i think sometimes i do start to act that way...but i slowly talk my self out of the crazy thoughts that a girl can typically have.

for instance...say i have met this guy...im really feeling him...for a few solid weeks we talk alot...we hang out alot...he takes me on dates (never lets me pay even thought i offer every time)...then for a few solid weeks we still chit chat...but the visits and dates are non existent....family visits and trips with friends are filling his already busy schedule...work starts to consume his life...and i am stuck with minimal conversation...and yet again no one to hang out with.
now yes i start to freak out (naturally)...and here come the "girl thoughts"...

...OMG is there someone else...
...has he lost interest?...
...what did i do to mess this up...AGAIN...
...wait did i do anything wrong...
...do i call?...
...No wait should i just text him....
...blah....blah...blah....blah...

well naturally i get annoyed with trying to over rationalize the situation (as i tend to do with every situation) and i just give up. i am not one to dwell on things that i have no control over. i will naturally try in a small way to take control of the situation and if i am unable to then i just let it go. was it meant to be? maybe...but if not then i know that God did it for a reason. And that is the hard thing that i try to understand. Why does something that feel so right end up so wrong? or is it just a test from God...or from this guy to see what exactly i will do in this type of situation....do i freak out and do your typical girl thing...the whole "your not spending enough time with me" and "your making everything in your life more of a priority"...nope...i do the "Stephanie thing"...i realize that he already had things going on in his life way before there were thoughts of me. He has a demanding job...so with that takes alot of understanding that with a demanding job comes alot of time that i lose out on because he has to make his money. I understand (and i will admit i don't understand 100%) but i understand enough that right now i may not be a priority in any one else's life...but that is when i make time to make myself a priority.  i do have things on my plate that i need to get in order and get done. with all the extra time it is nice to actually itemize my "To Do list" and knock out some of those things i have been procrastinating for the past few weeks or so.  so i try to turn bad into good...and then just see what happens after that.

i know in the end everything will be ok. and everything will turn out fine. and while i sit around (some what alone) as all of my friends around me are starting or maintaining their relationships with significant others...i will continue to do what i do best....i continue to do what is needed of me to make MYSELF happy.  No one else is gonna do it for me. and to be honest i am currently having a blast making time for me and doing the things i love the most....Loving me...

...TeAm ObAmA...

Friday, May 6, 2011

...if this doesnt make you like him...then i dont know what else will!...

between this speech:







...and this one...





i cant help but be proud that we have this man as out president!

...SeLf LoVe...

Thursday, May 5, 2011

The past few weeks (well more like the last week and a half...) i have really been trying to get back to my fullest potential of something i call "Self Love"....fully loving me...going back to when i was in love with me and only me...put me first and no one else...being happy with me...depending on NO ONE but me...

i realize that sometimes i get wrapped up in the feeling like i need...or simply just craving the support and attention of someone else...mostly a male counterpart...and at times when i do not get that attention or support it makes me feel alone and not wanted...and times like now when i empower myself with "self love" no matter what the obstacle i am fine...happy...and empowered to just be happy about everything. i even turn things that annoy and bother me into something positive. i don't get vexed as easily. i just enjoy my day so much more!

i feel that when i am at my highest level of "self love" it radiates from me...you can see it in my walk...you can see it in my smile, you can hear it in my boastful talk. and when i finally reach this level i work so hard to achieve that is when it always happens...  i start to meet guys and start to get back into that place where i don't want to be of putting others before me and craving their attention..needing and wanting them to help make me happy. but this time i will defiantly try to not relapse into that state. there are alot of things i want to try to do...keyword it TRY...LoL

1...i want to try to not complain as much. i realized that i complain alot. esp. on the days that i am tired. instead i will try to look for the good in the situation. example: recently i was having a issue with work...got really annoyed with people i work with and the overall environment...solution to my problem...i realized that in all actuality my current job(s) are temporary. i am currently working and striving to get to my next level...striving to become my own boss and play by my own rules. it motivates me to work harder to get to my goals. and i realized that at least i have a job. and to be grateful that i do have my job and a steady paycheck that comes in to pay my bills. because the truth is not everyone is as lucky as i am to be in the position i am financially esp. at my age and right out of college.

2...i want to try to see the good in people. some days i have a habit of just looking at people for what they appear to be. kinda like reading a book by its cover...and not more so of the type of person they really are. working at both of my jobs i learned that someone may be a little rough on the edges but could have a personality that is completely different from what it may appear.  that is something i def need to work on.

3...being more business professional...i realize that at work i have gotten a little too comfortable speaking my opinion about things that happen.  i know my honesty and bluntness rubs one of my bosses in a the wrong way but i enjoy being able to speak my mind and not being walked on. yes i may work for a hour wage but that does not make anyone i work with above me or beneath me. we are in fact equal and no one should have the right to talk down to me for whatever reason. i have 2 degrees and am working towards my masters...so yes i do have a big ego and when it gets tested so do my thoughts about how i feel and think about the people i work with. but like i said i need to work on how i say things while still expressing my thoughts truthfully. i am a very honest and truthful person and will remain that way. it is what i take pride in and i have no shame in keeping it real with ANYONE

4...learning to forgive...and somewhat forget...ok yes i am the kind of person that holds on to those mean words you once may have spoken to me out of spite. i am learning to be the "bigger person" in most recent situations. that may mean that i forgive you and i am over the situation at hand...but that does not mean that i totally forget. forgetting means that you win. i have fought too hard growing up to bow down gracefully in a fight. although i don't fight much...but when i do it is because i know i am in the right and have no reason to be in the wrong. a defense mechanism? maybe...does it deal with my ego? maybe...but more importantly its deals with the good ole saying (and one of my favorite quotes)...

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

and that is def a saying that i use daily.  I do not like being made a fool of. it is a waste of my time and it is a waste of my energy.  i could be focusing that time on something more productive (or wasting it on something more fulfilling).  But in the end i do not give too many people a 2nd chance...and by god if you get a 2nd.. or even a 3rd chance...you better not mess up again because it def will be your last.

so all in all when you feel down...or alone...or just like you need someone...of you feel like you HAVE to have someone there...or you need the attention and comfort of someone else...YOU DON'T NEED IT! you have the most important person with you already...YOURSELF...and that is all that matters. Learn to stand on your own and solve things and work out your life with you and no one else. Believe me it is way more self gratifying and rewarding. Not to mention you have God...if you work on your spiritual faith and your "Self Love"...you will be unstoppable...indestructible...omnipotent...and maybe even inspiring and more less happy about most (if not all) the things that are going on in your life.