...ThE tRuTh...

Sunday, January 18, 2009

well the questions of yesterday...are answered today.

yesterday before i got off of work i got the dreaded..."we need to talk" text from brandon...

so i wait all day for him to come over so we can talk (yea at least he didnt do it over the phone or over a text, he actually wanted to talk to me in person...i can respect that...)

well he comes over...at first its small talk, then down to it...he starts off by saying that he is not my boyfriend and how we dont have a commitment with eachother...then goes on to say that instead of coming over to my house he decides to hang out with a girl...whos name was not spoken...altho nothing happened it was the fact of the matter...he is NOT looking for a relationship or a title...

like i have said time and time again i never asked him for a relationship...i took each day as it was and just enjoyed it...i just wanted to be happy...but to just hear that its not really going anywhere makes me ask what am i doing and why? what is the point? i wouldnt say im wasting my time but i was hoping to make progress but i guess i wasnt.

i was sad and crying because not at the fact that he said what i already knew...but the fact of what is so wrong with me that i cant get a guy that WANTS to be with me....this is strike three...i mean i can win for anything....to much dismay i called jack...and he was actually really helpful....he told me not to ever question who i am justbecause someone dosnt accept me or do as i wish. which is right, but honestly c;mon there has to be something...first with kyle...then with ray...now with brandon? i mean i wouldnt be so confused if we didnt see eachother everyday, or if we didnt do the things we do (like i go to ALL of his games and cook for him and stuff like that). the "title" means nothing to me, just as long as i know that you are there, and are commited than im fine, but i cant even get that much. that explains why he didnt want to hold my hand or didnt want to be my valentine....ok then so what do i do?

i just ran thru my mind and tried to figure it out but i cant...i just dont know what to do. i just dont know if "this" is something i want to do anymore...something with a dead end...i dont know i guess after a while and other things started happening (like the gifts and stuff like that) i guess i assumed things were going to go in a different direction...but it is clear now that they are not. brandon is a great guy, he is just blind right now... i dont want to move on, but i might have to just for the sake of not being stuck in "this" just to be content. *sigh*...it sux...and sadly i felt no pain, just sadness. i guess i am numb to the pain of being hurt by another guy. i was just sad and confused i guess. i mean i assumed that i knew where we stood but i guess in the back of my mind i was hoping that things would have changed. i dont know... i just wasnt expecting that i guess....but i am tired of looking and just turned off to any other guys by it. i always get hurt,, no matter the situation...its me...my dad asked me maybe i am trying to do too much and just get taken advantage of....that could possibly be it, but i dont know how to be any other way....i hope i figure it out soon b/c i am tired of guessing and wondering and most importantly getting hurt...

alli can do is pray for strength and patients...that seems to be the only thing i can do now....i think im done looking for a while...i want to try to slowly push myself away from him but i know its going to be hard for me to do. none of my friends approve but i do not know why i am attached t him like i am....

so the whole conclusion of the convo was for him to tell me that he was "hangn out" with another girl (my roomey saw them...so...yea) but ultimatly we are not dating or commited..we are just friends and he enjoys whatever "it" is that we have....

i dont know, i wasnt sad b/c of him hanging out with a girl...clearly i hang out with guys so thats not the prob, i guess i was just more sad b/c of the whole fact of him not looking for something more but yet we act like more than friends and i guess i never sparked to "what if" in his mind to be more than friends...but i wanted to know, i was just too afraid to ask. i guess that was the lords way of letting me know. i don tknow if it will change anything at all but i def need to just look at it and re-evaluate everything and either hold on or move on...*sigh*....and again those questions of "will i ever find someone that i can just give my heart 2?"....each day i seem to figure out ways to answer that question but it is def not the answer that i am looking for...i guess all that i can do is pray....

.......................until next time...................

Friday, January 16, 2009

in the words of : Trae Tha Truth : Tha Diary Of Tha Truth...intro track...

"...i wake in the morning.....put on my face...
the one thats gonna get me thru another day...
dosent really matter how i feel inside...
becuase life is like a game sometime..."

somedays this is exactly how i feel. i mean not in a im depressed and i hate the world and the world hates me kinda way...just in a way of what am i gonna do after this year...i mean who (if anyone) am i going to end up with?...just typical questions about my life. i wouldnt say at all the i am a depressed or depressing kinda of person. i hate to be sad, most importantly i hate when people try to bring my mood or spirits down. i always try to look for the best in any situation and i try to be happy. you enjoy the day so much more if you sit back and think how blessed you truly are. even the simple things that i have in my life, i know that there is someone or some family who has a fraction of the things that i have. i guess the things i seek for now are self fulfillment and to aspire and achieve my goals. not to mention find someone who will just capture my heart...LoL (capture my heart and fall in love are 2 diff things....like i said before does true love really exist? )

last night i asked brandon if he would be my valentine and he asked me a really good question...what is a valentine? well that is a good question...

last year i did not have one. i found myself sending things to friends and doing more for them than i did for myself...and i dont want to be like that this year. this will be year 2 of no "valentine" if brandon dosnt ask. i mean im not expecting the world...i even told him all he has to do is hug, kiss me and maybe hold my hand...LoL...knowing how much he is against that, that would be the perfect evening for me. bbbbut im not going to lie, i have had a few friends(who are seriously friend status) ask me about valentines day...i mean i could just say yes and get what i can take, but i dont want to spend heart day with any of them. i honestly would rather spend it with brandon. i mean yea we are not dating (the topic hasnt even come up, and to be honest it dosnt bother me) but ijust want more of an initiative...i hav grown fond of brandon im just not sure how he feels about me...i am terrified to ask...i really am. i think it is because of my last situation. i dont want to feel that way again...but i guess that is a risk that you take with everyone you meet and become friends with...i still want to try to avoid it...but im not sure if i will be able to b/c that question keeps running thru my mind and i am very curious to know the answer...*sigh* maybe someday soon i will work up the courage to ask...when i do you will be the first to know! LoL

....................until next time........................

.....101 YeArS of SiStErHoOd AnD sErViCe.....

Thursday, January 15, 2009

101 year ago...something GREAT was created....sisterhood and service....alpha kappa alpha sorority inc, the image of divine womenhood :) i am glad, blessed, and lucky to be apart of such greatnedd :)

ooooooooooh yea! the boys won last night...it was a buzzer beater...as u can see the guy who made the shot is n the middle of the huddle...but it was a good game. im glad they won. they needed it :) now all i gotta do is work on my club team and see how far we can go this year! :)

.....................until nex time............

....fAlLiNg BaCk In LoVe...ThIs TiMe WiTh HiP hOp....

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Well i recently got Commons new CD named "Universal Mind Control"...let me just say that i cant stop listening to it...finding forever was great but this album is AMAZING! Punch drunk love if my fav feat kanye and pharell. it is my new theme song...LoL

i dont know just latly i have just been thinking about my life and the people that are in it. WIth brandon i really enjoy spending time with him and he makes me laugh and when we hang out he makes me all around just happy...but im not sure if he is wanting more than that "friendship"...i want someone to send me messages randomly saying nice things, or someone who wants to hug me and cuddle and hold my hand... im honestly tired of the single life...i want someone to come home to each day and to know that i have someone one. i dont like the uncertanty or worse the lack of commitment. i mean the "title" to me isnt important...its the other things like substance and actions...thats what i am looking for. i know he was hurt but so was i...im really afraid to talk to him about it b/c i just dont know how he will react or what he will say. i mean i asked if he could hold my hand and he said "i was F'in shid up" (his words exactly)...i dunno...im just at a lost...but i am more afraid than anything.

latly i have been thinking about doug...yes i hate to admit it...i dont know why. i hav not called or texted him in a loooong while which is a big step and improvement. i just know how good he did treat me...he treated me the way that i wanted to be treated and i meet guys today and i question and ask myself if i will ever feel that way again. i dont know...i guess i just have been single too long now and just want something. but i will be patient and not just settle...but i have a record of getting people that i dont want...and the people that i DO want usually dont want the same things as me...so thats why i am so afraid.

i mean with brandon i dont hold back at all...i support him sooo much and i try to just be there for him in any way. dont get me wrong he does alot for me too. i guess i just want more...he is a great guy...great personality...and i love spending time with him. but i cant even get him to hold my hand...or take me on a real date...LoL...i guess u get what you can right? i dunno...its just a hard postition for me...not to mention heart day is coming up....

well here is one of my fav common songs...i think i have shared it before but i must share it again...its called i want you and its on last years album finding forever. im sure ill share songs from his most recent, this song is just speaking to me now...and besides i gotta go watch brandon play...LoL

....................until next time..............



Once the love was strongNow it's long, long goneCause the pain, pain now as a stormI would make, growing oldCause I want you, cause I want youI want you, I want youI've been thinking bout, I've been thinking boutI've been thinking bout you latelyThoughts take me to when we were closeAddicted to your love, feel I need another doseI know it's a feeling that should be long goneThings seem to come up when I hear our songGolden brown girl, it seemed so longSince I heard your voice, where did the king go wrong?Emotions that, that they linger onI guess cause I never knew a love so strongSo many hot girls I need your warmThe taste of your mouth girl I need your warmGood food and love I need your warmThis here was made before we were bornA dreamer so I'm a keep dreaming onIt's kind of like 'The Breakup' with Jen and Vince VaughnOnce the love was strongNow it's long, long goneCause the pain, pain now as a stormI would make, growing oldCause I want you, cause I want youI want you, I want youCause I want you, cause I want youI want you, I want youThey say you don't know, know, know what you gotTill what u got is goneYeah I write such and such, yo a lot but the feelings not as strongWe were like 2 birds that were able to flyI try to pick the right words to say to the skySome days I would try but wasn't able to cryI never been good at saying goodbyeI take a deep breath when the times is hardWhen I reminisce over you, my GodI spent many years trying to be the heartthrobI guess it's only right that I got my heart robbedThe scent of a room that reminds me of youA hint of perfume it reminds me of youTake a look at the moon it reminds me of youHope the stars and the gods align me and youWe do what we do and we do what we liveI love this way cause I got it as a kidWith so much to give from it, I never hidThe love that I wrote on the mirror it got smearedMy friends say it was a change for the betterBut I say, girl you changed my foreverRelationships they can be as strange as the weatherRain or sun we can sing this togetherCause I want you, cause I want youI want you, I want youCause I want you, cause I want youI want you, I want you

.....ThE lAsT fIrSt DaY oF cLaSs....

Monday, January 12, 2009

well today was "officially" the last first day of class that i had. i graduate in may and this is my last semester needed to get the degree i have been seeking for the past 4 1/2 years....now what i do after this semester is still in question, but hey at least i am on the right track. this is ther first semester i dont have to take 15-17 hours (i am taking 12!!!), and i dont have any classes on tuesday!!!! that is the first time ever which is really nice. it dosnt seem like school has started. but it will take me a few days to get back in the groove of everything.

i got another rejection letter today :( i figured as much but oh well, all i can do it keep trying...

i havnt unpacked from the break yet...all my bags are sitting allllll over my floor and i have clothes everywhere...LoL ill get to it eventually...but i do need to clean it up b/c im tired of stepping over stuff just to walk across my room.

well i was at work and had some spare time and decided to write....

......until next time.......

...2009....THE year OF the FIRST....

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Well i have decided NOT to make a list of new years resolutions....i decided to dub this year "The Year of The First"...this year i am going to push myself to do things i have not done for whatever reasons....ive gone to miami for new years (the first time i have spent new years someplace other than at home in lubbock texas!!!), i held an alligator...the first xmas i didnt go too overboard with giving ppl gifts (i know its tech not 2009, but its close enough and that when i came up with the idea....LoL), hmmm this time at home is the first time ihave really just spoiled myself...with the extra money i didnt save whil ei was in miami i bought myselfe some shoes, new flat iron (VERy expensive), and some clothes..., oh while in miami i tried alot of differnt foods such as cuban, Mediterranean, a place called Fogo De Chio (OMG one of my top 5 fav places), tried alot of new alcoholic drinks,....

these past 11 days of january i have already done ALOT of new and different things...and that is just the start of it. i plan to do many more...

now my goals ...

1. say NO to procrastination!!!! (its my worst enemy and i do it all the time, i need to stop NOW)

2. be more mindful and less wasteful of $ ( i mean im not rich but i am able to get by with a little extra and i always just get what i want when i need to be more mindful and save every penny that i can...like eating at home, not buying stupid things, not having to pay stupid fines, etc)

3. score well on the MCATs and get my grades up (next year i want to be very competitive and not be afraid to apply to any school that i want too...)

4. Be more honest and truthful and become someones top priority for once (who cares what ppl will think, i need to start caring less about other ppl and MORE about me. im tired of taking the back seat to other people when i put them in the front seat.)

5. stay better n touch with family and friends (even tho i do a pretty good job @ it i can def try harder...)

6. grow more as a person and just enjoy each day MORE

7. add to this list b/c i know that there are alot more things that i can do to improve :)

.....Im BaCk....

well after a long vacation...i am back in kirksville :-/

i went home for xmas break and it was amazing, not to mention i was able to go to miami for new years with my sorority sister ashley. we seriously had the BEST time. we got to just hang out at the beach, we ate at alot of great places, went to the beach, hit up a few clubs, played with alligators, swam with the fish, took a boat ride into the sunset...it was alot of fun! i cant wait to see her again. im just sad she and i are the only ones with funds to do things like that. but you know maybe in a few years we all will be able to do something like that. we always try to plan something with everyone but it dosnt always work out that way.

well over the break guess who i met back up with....well who i ran into and hung out with for a few dayz....mr. jack king...boyfriend #2. yea, it was cool, and when i saw him i asked my self what did i see in him....LoL i guess im not attracted to him in anytype of way now...i mean despite the fact that he cheated on me numerious times, we still have managed to stay friends over the years which is cool i guess. yea...def friend status. the times we did hang out it was fun except when he would hit on me...LOL...yes it did happen but most of the time i laughed it off.

i got to spend alot of time with my best friend shawn. i already miss him so much! he is like family to me. i def cried when i left him. i just miss him and just hope that he does good. i am literally the only true friend he has and the closest thing to family he has since he is n texas. but i know i will get to see him again. but i already miss him :(

hmmm hung out with ashley...always fun as usual. we had a blast the last night i was there. me her and amanda hit up a bar and the D.Lounge and had a blast! ran into the alphas from tech, it was kool to see them! they were so cute...LoL...well not in the "im attracted" to them kinda way...in the way of "little brother wearing a new sweater" kinda cute...yea...i cant F**k with alphas...LoL 3 reasons....Antaeus, Raymond, and Ben...LMAO

speaking of Ben i got to see him and hang out. he just got a really good job and is doing really good forhimself. ben would be a great guy, he just...is an "ALPHA"....LoL yes to me that means something b/c i can put him in that catigory which labels him in alot of ways, but i cant help it...all 3 that i havemet have all been the same way...same traits, same flaws, same ideas....so why not label them the same right...i mean afterall in a weird sort of way they are all brothers...

got to hang out with the family. my dad...jennifer...i tim...my other brothers and sisters...it was kool i guess...i def had more fun with shawn and ashley...oh and goin to the mall everyday and gettin to go to miami.

oh i got to see ryan as well....*sigh*...*shaking head "no"*....thats all i can say...LoL...

well i got back to kville yesterday about 5:20pm. i unpacked the millions of bags and other things thatwere in my car, and just relaxed...took a shower, got all dressed up and cute, and then went to brandons and brians game. they did so good, but they lost again. They both got to play a lot (brian even started!) but that did not matter. brandon was so down about it. it was even so bad he really was just kinda in a slump all night when he came over. i can totally understand y he is upset...but he did eventully show that he missed me...i just hope and pray that they win their game on WED. the whole team is down b/c they have lost 7 games in a row...and its starting to take an affect on brandon and i dont like it at all...i dont even know what to say to him when he gets like that. all i try to do is let him talk, and i listen...oh and answer a question if he asks...but i really dont know what else to do other than that. i dont want to say the wrong things or make the situation any worse. well i hope he is n a better mood today, i really want to show him all the things i got him...i am super excited to give him his things. im not sure if he will be as excited but i know for sure that i am...LoL...

other than that...school sux...oh yea im still single...which isnt a problem im just wanting a little more than what i am being given right now...but i dunno, all i can do is pray about it and just wait to see what the good lord has planned for me in the future.

the future....hmm that is a good question...im not even sure what i want to do. i mean i applied to schools but im not sure if i have what it takes yet, i def dont have the money, and i dunno just the anxiety of it all does the same for me.

well im at work right now...which is much needed...being at home and going to miami broke me...LoL i was tryin to live like a VIP...having the best of the best...i even flew first class :) but im gonna go...i gotta try to do some type of work so that i can stay awake while im at work...LoL

..........................until next time...........................

....LuSt...oR sUmThiNg MoRe?....

Friday, November 21, 2008

Well that has been a question on my mind the past few days...

"him" ...(who will still remain nameless...LoL gotta keep this one on the low b/c im not sure where its going yet...and i today just chilled...i took a "PJ" day (which is a day where i dont go to class...i dont do anything! i lay around and enjoy the day in my PJ's...gotta have my alone time!) it was so nice! yesterday he has an AMAZING game...im pretty sure that i was more excited about his game than he was...LoL..he got to start and he wasleading with pts! (19 pts!)

its at this point is whn i question alot of things....i honestly am happy and i enjoy the time that we do get to hang out...but like with the past things to me seem fine and then all of a sudden things just turn bad...i dont like it! and i keep gettng flash baks to "the others"...its just not good...i think whats makin so bad is the fact that iam really starting to like him but i honestly just do not want to get thrown to the side again..i honestly cant take something like that again. i really cant. but...i will just take it for what it is right now and just keep wakin up each day and hopin for the best to come of each day.

but until then...hewill still be my cowboy....LoL

school sux! i am sooooo tired of this semester...and i dont know what im gonna do with my life...which is even worse...i just dont like not knowing what i m gonna do or having a plan at all...its NO FUN...but i am working on it and hopefully i will find something out soon...

...............until next time..............

......SiGh.... :)

Friday, November 14, 2008

Well today...on a scale b/w one and 10 woould have to be a 7 or 8. Nothing exciting happened today, but i did get to wake up next to "him"...LoL we got to cuddle...might i add he did steal the covers last night leaving me cold, i just enjoy sleeping next to someone and having someone there. Im really getting use to "him" and i hate to admit it but i am starting to really like "him" too...not sure if that is in the "rules" or not but it is happeneing. i am trying my hardest to not get too emotionally attached b/c of what happend last time. i put so much into things with ray and look what happened. not to say that he will do that to me i just cant take that again. i just need a break i need something good. i need and want to be happy.

Classes such....havnt gotten into med school yet...but i am still looking at other options. i just hate the idea of me not being in med school next year. now i have to waste a year on school other than med school...but i dunno maybe it will be a good thing. right now school is hard for me b/c i am not motivated to do anything right now...LoL the semester is almost over but still...its just hard! im worn out!

we have our first bball tournament tomorrow! we have Mizzou, SIUE, and a team from illinois commin down. i am really excited! i hope that we win but i am also just excited to see how it goes.

Well im sure you already know that everyone knows, we have a BLACK president (yea this blog is late but i still have to talk aboutit). yes it is a big deal and i am just glad that i was able to witness it. i pray for him and his family saftey! but it is a great thing and the first lady is an AKA! :) the first and the finest! LoL...but yea just had to make that side note.

weeeeelll i am gonna surf the net some more and just get some stuff done..im at work and things are NICE :)

.......until next time.....

......No MoRe SoRrOw....

Sunday, November 2, 2008

well it is offical!!!! i am done...and but of couse this will be last time i wright about it...
so i look on facebook and ray is in a relationship...LMAO...ok thats fine and all so i text and ask him you know hey is there something weird with me b/c you kept telling me that you were "busy" and selfish" but clearly u were not too busy to b talkin to this girl right? he says...i lost interest...ok that is all fine and dandy than why did he not man up and tell me that shit a while ago? LoL yea...but its kool...i for sure wasnt trippin....esp after i saw what she looked like....i mean i feel better knowing that he had to "down grade"...i mean in my opinon thats whatit looks like...i guess she could hav a great personality and maybe she can offer him things i cant...but u know...no loss to me...

me and "him" hav been hanging out alot latly...i guess thats why i dont even care anymore. i mean yes this whole this is completly unexected and came out of no where, but i do enjoy it. its fun and give me something to look forwerd to everyday. not to mention we spend the night with eachother 5 out of the 7 nights out of the week...LoL nice to just have someone to keep ya warm you know....but yea...

our week of service starts tomorrow! im excited and just ready to ge tit over with!!!!! LoL

about 5 more weeks of school left! so gotta stay focused and motived to make it to the end! thats the hard part...staying motivated...but ill keep trying....we will see how it end up :)

well had a few sec to write...so i did....will be back soon!

.............until next time!..........