...BrOkEn...

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

well i have done it again...i have managed to tear open old wounds...i did not mean too...and i did not cry...i only kept asking questions and trying to justify it in my mind.

yes i did the unwritten thing and wrote down my thoughts...and the worst part is i sent it to him...needless to say i did not get the reply i wanted so...again it was pointless for me to send it in the first place. i just felt justified to send him my thoughts b/c i hadnt told him and we hadnt really talked about it. i guess its god's doing and i just cant see what he is trying to do with me...or who he is trying to put in my life...

today the only thing that was set off was when i had told "someone" that i was going home the 1st instead of the 10th. the reply thats nice...so i reply...yea i was wanting to see you before i went home but i dont think i will be able to since i moved up the date...his reply..oh well im going to a town an hour and a half away from you this saturday anyway....

first thing wrong with that...he is going to this town to hang out with his phrat brothers....he was with them last weekend...and if he can make plans to go and see them then why can he not mak plans to come and see me? i have spent $ to go and see him the past few times but he cant come see me? and the last time i asked he already had plans...which is fine but when i hint at it either tell me you dont want to come at all of try to give me an estimate so im not wondering and asking about...believe me i dropped quite a few hints...and the other thing i invited him to our step show in october...his reply...ill have to see if im gonna b busy that weekend....what!?when he asked me to come to his graduation i did not say "ill have to see if im busy"...i knew he wanted me to be there so i told him yes and i made it happen...there is no excuse for that answer b/c i asked him in plenty of time...this is july...the show is in october...i feel like you can make plans for that one night that i want you to be here....

i asked him to proof read my personal statement for med school...that was 2 weeks ago....i asked him to take a survey for my class...that was 6 weeks ago....its like sometimes he shows intrest and the other time he just dosnt care...like he is too busy for me or whatever his reasoning is....oh well i guess ill never know...gotta roll with the punches right....

im just tired...i keep giving and giving but i dont get anything in return. not just with him but with other people and other situations....im just tired of it...i pray about it and i do have good days but when someone says or does something to set me off it just gets annoying...i dont let it ruin my day b/c i dont let ppl infulence me in that way, it just annoys me that i have to deal with it because honestly i dont want to have to deal with it at all....

found this on another web site...the title was....how to get over a broken heart....

(because even though i have healed...i have not completly healed... and i am starting to notice that)

1.It's okay to grieve for a time. Seek support from your friends and family as you come to terms with the changes in your life. (done that...with the help of Aubrie and Danielle and my sorority sisters...would have made it thru with out them)

2.Don't look at past relationships as failures, but rather as opportunities to learn and improve your relationship skills. (hmmmm still trying to see this side of it...)

3.Don't worry that you're not in a relationship. Your value comes from who you are, not who you're with. (wow...that is a strong statement....im def gonna have to keep this in mind)

4.You don't have to be a recluse just because you aren't a couple. Treat yourself to an evening out doing something you enjoy. Take along a friend if it's not a solo activity. (do that allll the time...can you say jager bombs! L0L...my girls know what im talkin bout)

5.Treat yourself to a special gift now and then. You are a special person and you deserve it.
There's more to life than romantic love. Take this opportunity to nurture your friends, family and self. (since i have been working alot i am def about to treat myself when i go home next week)

6.Take some time to reevaluate what you need in a relationship. Have you been choosing partners who are not capable of a loving and mature relationship? (that i really need to look at b/c latly i feel i am the only one putting more effort into it...)

7.Be willing to take another chance on love. Like they say, you can't win if you don't play.
Be a friend to yourself. If you care about yourself, the odds are better you will attract those you care about you too. (easier said than done...)

8.If you're finding it hard to let go of a relationship, you may need to seek counseling. An obsessive need to be with someone who no longer wants a relationship may be a sign of love addiction.
Avoid jumping into a rebound relationship. Take some time to work through all the issues from your previous one. (hmmm good thought...)

9.Don't try to get revenge. This will only slow your progress in healing from the hurt.
Forgive yourself. You can't change the past, but you can learn from your mistakes and not repeat them. (def have taken this rule to heart...it has helped me...)

10.Forgive your partner. This doesn't mean that you are saying what happened is okay. What it means is cutting your losses and not investing any more time in something that hurts you. (all i can say is AMEN....)

had to put this pic in....i loved it! LoL

saw this pic...it is where i am...i have mostly good days but there is that one day that the stiches leak but other than that im fine....until then ill just keep praying and wish for the best

this song instantly played in my head when i started writing this...so i had to share it...

Broken...by Seether

I wanted you to know

I love the way you laugh

I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away

Ikeep your photograph;

I know it serves me well

I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome

And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

You've gone away, you don't feel me anymore

The worst is over now

and we can breathe again

I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away

There’s so much left to learn,

and no one left to fight

I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open

And I don’t feel like I am strong enough

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome

And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open

And I don’t feel like I am strong enough

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome

And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome

And I don’t feel right when you’re gone

You've gone away, you don't feel me anymore....

.....until next time....