...ThE tRuTh...

Sunday, January 18, 2009

well the questions of yesterday...are answered today.

yesterday before i got off of work i got the dreaded..."we need to talk" text from brandon...

so i wait all day for him to come over so we can talk (yea at least he didnt do it over the phone or over a text, he actually wanted to talk to me in person...i can respect that...)

well he comes over...at first its small talk, then down to it...he starts off by saying that he is not my boyfriend and how we dont have a commitment with eachother...then goes on to say that instead of coming over to my house he decides to hang out with a girl...whos name was not spoken...altho nothing happened it was the fact of the matter...he is NOT looking for a relationship or a title...

like i have said time and time again i never asked him for a relationship...i took each day as it was and just enjoyed it...i just wanted to be happy...but to just hear that its not really going anywhere makes me ask what am i doing and why? what is the point? i wouldnt say im wasting my time but i was hoping to make progress but i guess i wasnt.

i was sad and crying because not at the fact that he said what i already knew...but the fact of what is so wrong with me that i cant get a guy that WANTS to be with me....this is strike three...i mean i can win for anything....to much dismay i called jack...and he was actually really helpful....he told me not to ever question who i am justbecause someone dosnt accept me or do as i wish. which is right, but honestly c;mon there has to be something...first with kyle...then with ray...now with brandon? i mean i wouldnt be so confused if we didnt see eachother everyday, or if we didnt do the things we do (like i go to ALL of his games and cook for him and stuff like that). the "title" means nothing to me, just as long as i know that you are there, and are commited than im fine, but i cant even get that much. that explains why he didnt want to hold my hand or didnt want to be my valentine....ok then so what do i do?

i just ran thru my mind and tried to figure it out but i cant...i just dont know what to do. i just dont know if "this" is something i want to do anymore...something with a dead end...i dont know i guess after a while and other things started happening (like the gifts and stuff like that) i guess i assumed things were going to go in a different direction...but it is clear now that they are not. brandon is a great guy, he is just blind right now... i dont want to move on, but i might have to just for the sake of not being stuck in "this" just to be content. *sigh*...it sux...and sadly i felt no pain, just sadness. i guess i am numb to the pain of being hurt by another guy. i was just sad and confused i guess. i mean i assumed that i knew where we stood but i guess in the back of my mind i was hoping that things would have changed. i dont know... i just wasnt expecting that i guess....but i am tired of looking and just turned off to any other guys by it. i always get hurt,, no matter the situation...its me...my dad asked me maybe i am trying to do too much and just get taken advantage of....that could possibly be it, but i dont know how to be any other way....i hope i figure it out soon b/c i am tired of guessing and wondering and most importantly getting hurt...

alli can do is pray for strength and patients...that seems to be the only thing i can do now....i think im done looking for a while...i want to try to slowly push myself away from him but i know its going to be hard for me to do. none of my friends approve but i do not know why i am attached t him like i am....

so the whole conclusion of the convo was for him to tell me that he was "hangn out" with another girl (my roomey saw them...so...yea) but ultimatly we are not dating or commited..we are just friends and he enjoys whatever "it" is that we have....

i dont know, i wasnt sad b/c of him hanging out with a girl...clearly i hang out with guys so thats not the prob, i guess i was just more sad b/c of the whole fact of him not looking for something more but yet we act like more than friends and i guess i never sparked to "what if" in his mind to be more than friends...but i wanted to know, i was just too afraid to ask. i guess that was the lords way of letting me know. i don tknow if it will change anything at all but i def need to just look at it and re-evaluate everything and either hold on or move on...*sigh*....and again those questions of "will i ever find someone that i can just give my heart 2?"....each day i seem to figure out ways to answer that question but it is def not the answer that i am looking for...i guess all that i can do is pray....

.......................until next time...................