....fEeLiNg DoWn AnD oUt...

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

well last night was a night. mor eunravels with brandon and i...he is hurt and bitter...but at the same time he is fighting himself because he has created this "thing" with me...












i think brandon is great. all day today i racked my mind trying to decide on a comprimise or something that would make this work for the both of us. i tried to imagine how it would be to just let "us" be...and i just did not like that feeling. true we owe nothing to eachother, but at the same time there is some since of respect that is owed...i dont know it is so hard.












one thing brandon said to me when we first started hanging out was "you deserve better"...was that better supose to be him or was he talking about someone else? that is the one question that keeps playing in my mind. i feel that if we ever did grow more than just friends it would be amazing, but i honestly dont know if i am completly ready and i know for sure the he isnt. he has already expressed his bitterness and it is clear that he is still hurt...and to be honest i just am figuring out that he is wanting to "play" and the games he wants to play are games that i dont know if i can be apart of....that is what the main issue is right now.












i was....well im a sense i still am...happy. i mean we hang out and just have a good time. i think all i want is to be happy. i havnt really been happy in so long i just dont want to lose that. but is it the best thing to keep it? i mean i honestly want to but im not sure if that is what he is wanting to continue to do...i guess all i can do is pray












at the start of this i tried to blame myself...what did i do wrong...but i had to realize that i cant blame myself i havnt done anything wrong. i guess the only thing i can blame myself for is getting in too deep without know what to expect. honestly i prob would have preffered not to know what happend. i think if i just didnt know then things would have been fine, but what if it came up again? how would i have handled it then? i was so calm and just chill...it was crazy i honestly did not know how to act abut it. i talked to aubrie and she had the same reaction thati did. *sigh* this is exhausting! LoL i dont like this..i jsut want it to be normal and i just want....i just want to be happy.....












all i can do is pray....













.........until next time........