......HaPpInEsS.....& tHe LiSt.....

Thursday, January 22, 2009

what is true happiness? that is a really good question...i guess a good question to ask would be what is your greatest fear? i think that is what has been bothering me so much. my greatest fear:

being alone, not being wanted...

that is my greatest fear. living my life alone without that true "happiness". i think the thing that hurts me the most when it comes to past situations or my most current is the feeling of not being wanted. i have go thru my who life feeling that way. since the moment my parents got divorced it was always a battle for me. i was always stuck in the middle of their problems. it wasnt about the kids, it was how bad they could hurt eachother. hence my views on marriage and children are so strong. i WILL NEVER put my children through what i had to go thru. even when it lead to me living on my own. the root of that...i did not feel wanted nor welcome at home. so i made my own way. that is one thing about me that i do admire. if there is not a way i make a way...a most recent example...my car. i didnt have one, i worked my little butt off and got the car that i wanted and i guess you could say that i deserve. but yes i am glad that i was able to pinpoint when my anger and sadness comes from in certain situations when it comes to guys. what hurtsme the most is not being accepted or wanted by a guy that i like or hav so much respect for. i have go thru my whole life feeling that rejection and just to have it happen over and over again is what sets me off i think. i mean sometimes its not a big deal (as with ben or anteaus) because i knew they were flirting with me for all the wrong reasons, so i played their game, i flirted and left them high and dry. LoL...playing "these games" is only fun for me if i am wanting to play "the game".

i know that this is going to sound so "text book" but, ultimately i have figure out to just turn to god. i mean i wouldnt say that i am a bible hugger but i am a spiritual person. i feel that wheni am more focused and do things more to please god and not other people my days run alot smoother. and i guess i am happy, in a different type of way but i can say that i truly am happy. shawn gave a spiritual book to read. it has a quote and verse that you can look at, one each day. i try to look at it each night before i go to sleep. and i must say that it puts my mind more at ease.

Here is a verse that i have for today:

Because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.....James 1:3-4

for my most current situations i would say that that verse well fits to what is going on. it is always weird for me b/c inmy most times of need and i turn to my scripture i always seem to find one that can fit to what i need for motivation and uplifting. The lord works in many diff ways :)

so i was watching practical magic the other day (def a movie in my top 20 list) and sandra bullock dreamed up and made a potion for "her perfect guy". she was married, and he passed away but she still had two children. after all of that she was still able to find that guy. is that that way with us? i mean for me i dont have "a type" i try to stay open minded and be open to any guy that i am attracted to and that just grabs my attention. so i guess i can start to make my own list...LoL...no im not a witch and i cant conjure up a magic potion to bring him to me, but you know maybe by putting it down in words in some strange way it might bring us together if god already hasnt done so....

"The List"

1. tall (taller than me)

2. athletic (like myself, would prefer someone good in basketball)

3. hair CANT be longer than mine

4. romantic (C'mon im a female...i do want to have at least one romantic date! LoL)

5. a gentleman (yes it is possible to find guys who are not that way...i have met them...LoL)

6. either graduated from college or seeking their degree (gotta have someone educated)

7. supportive of me and all that i do (basketball, AKA, my family...& all the other crazy stuff)

8. great personality! (gotta make me laugh & giggle, that is a must!)

9. dosnt lie to me (yea...nuff said...)

10. can cook(or he can be willing to learn hey i would rather a home cooked meal than out2eat!)

11. he puts me at the top of his list (yea im tired of being pushed aside for other stupid reasons)

12. not afraid of affection ( not hard core PDA but i do like hugs and kisses...)

13. no extreme addictions (like to booze or drugs...)

14. dosnt like to argue (b/c i dont argue...period!)

15. appreciates me ( i mean i am appreciated...but honestly not to the extent i would like)

16. dosnt have a problem with my laker addiction (hey i luv the lakers...old and new school! )

17. can hold a convo (on the phone! texting is cool but i do like to hear your voice...)

18. sweet and enduring

19. listens to me (pay attention! its the little things that count to me, not the big flashy things)

20. not afraid to take the lead (im shy, i dont make the moves whenit comes to guys)

21. not afraid to come out of their shell (sometimes you gotta act goofy to make me laugh)

22. thoughtful (like i already said the little things count...like if i casually mention something)

23. will play with my hair( my hair is long and real and i LOVE it when a guy does that)

24. can give massages! (im a hard worker, i need my back rubbed sometimes)

25. likes to cuddle up and watch movies (my fav thing to do in my down time with someone)

26. surprises me ( I LOVE SURPRISES! the good kind...they just make my day!)

27. likes to listen to music( its my therapy...i gotta hav someone who can enjoy it as much as i do)
28. can dance(b/c lord knows that i can pop lock & drop it so they need2make me look good LoL)

29. wears nice shoes (ok no busted shoes, sorry...LoL...just a little thing that is major!)

30. has a nice smile

31. someone the compliments me (i dont want 2 upgrade their social status...WE gotta look good)
32. smells nice ( ok i LOVE a guy that smells nice...its a weakness....esp cool water...)

33. wants to be my lover AND my friend (not just one or the other)

34. will motivate and inspire me

35. gotta get the approval from my sisters and friends (unwritten law of the women...LoL)

36. no annoying habits (like n the morning and makin that sick noise to clear their nose...)

thats all that i can think of now, well im not gonna lie i have had a few of those sittin in my mind for a while...LoL...but you know now that its written out i think i have gotten them all. but please know that i will be adding to this list because im sure ill meet more "dead ends" before i find a good one. but know this im gone giving it all...i wont do that again until i meet someone who i know FOR SURE will be worth me putting in the time and effort. but until then i guess ill wait to see what happens with brandon...if that still goes ill still take each day for what i am given...if not then i will go on to be yet another angry black woman and just wait until i am blessed with someone who the lord wants me to have...gotta stay positive. no use in sulking and being sad about it. just take it as a lesson well learned and be patient and humble...thats all i can do. oh yea and do my school work and achieve my goals...LoL

..........until next time..............