.....MaInTaInInG cOmPoSuRe.....

Monday, January 19, 2009

i am stephanie mcgrew.....ms.composure...a sister, a daughter, friend, not a girlfriend/wife/lover....LoL...well maybe oneday that can change...but the past few days i feel that i have been doing exactly that...staying composed....doing what i do best....

Yesterday brandon tookme to columbia...we went to the mall, out to eat and then to see the notorious movie. it was alot of fun. it was than at that point i really got confused for some reason. ok he says he dosnt want a commitment or "title"...but in a strange way we are commited to eachother. i made it clear that "what we had" was to stay between us or im done...and he did not seem to back away from that...so what is that exactly....i dont know. but "this" whole situation i am 100 percent confused and i honestly do not know what to think or how to think about it. as i was looking up at the stars on the drive back (yes it is one of my fav things to do...and you know what i honestly dont think that any one knows that...hmmm...just a thought)...but yea i realized that i was not a priority to anyone...even to those who claim to care...im all actuality they do not...well from their actions they dont. i mean i dont want to be the center of their universe i just want to be of some importance to someone...i honestly miss that...i really do...i dont know i miss alot of things. at the movies with brandon i wanted to hold his hand or just sit close and cuddle with him...but i couldnt...i didnt...and that feeling i did not like at all...i honestly didnt. imean that affection that i want is not there and to be honest that is what i want the most more than anything...

i honeslty am starting to think that i will forever be alone...i mean for me does true love exist? am i just cursed to never feel that way again? i think i am. i mean (i hate to do this but i have to talk about him again...LoL) with doug i do wish nothing but the best for him and his girlfriend. but the mean and spitefule side of me just wants him to feel the pain, hurt, lonlyness that i have had to go through. i guess i am justbitter to see him so happy and to find myself so alone and unhappy in a sense...i mean with brandon to an extent i am happy but its not 100%.....its just a partial filling of the void kind of happyness. i mean ive already stated that i enjoy spending time with him and the things that we do...but the fact that i can look forwerd to nothing else, i cant even get him to hold my damn hand without it being a problem...LoL...im just torn

ok and heart day...do i let someone come visit? or do i just stay here...n kville....alone....for anothr year. i dont know what to do....but then again i dont want to let someone come here b/c then they will get the wrong idea and look for more out of me...more of something that i can not give. i just cant...i am exausted with boys right now, i really am. i am glad my classes are not too hard and im glad that they have just started or i dont know if it would affect my school work...LoL...it usually dosnt but tis time it is consuming more of my thought and time than it usually does...a good way to prove that is to look at the past fewpost i have made...LoL what is the topic of those post.....exactly....i need to bounce back...i need to just move on. make other things more important to me. i think im going to lean more on school and basketball. i think that will put more focus on what i originally wanted to do and leave less time for guys....i hate to do it but i think im giongto not do as much for brandon...like cooking and doing other things, i dontk now, i wouldnt say im wasting my time, but why am i trying to please and cater to someone so much when its outcome will not be what i want it to be...i dont know....*sigh*...this sux....i need another vacation....

2 b honest ill prob treat him the same way...and cater to him b/c i like it and i like making him happy...LoL im a sucker...i guess ijust dont want to be alone i guess...and i hate to admit it but hehas grown on me. i might have grown on him maybe he is just afriad to say so or act on it....*sigh* hopefully i can break that wall....i guess all i can do is try....speaking of the devil he just texted me....

oh well...im gonna start on my homework....

..................................until next time.......................