....a LeTtEr 2 YoU...

Friday, March 6, 2009

last night, i was thinking...yes yet again *sigh*...of doug...and what we had...and how much i miss that. i wouldnt say that i miss just him but i miss everything. I mean yea what happened b/w us...i admit things did not go good...i fucked up...but how can you say you love someone and thenbe so quick and ready to let them go. I honestly feel sometime that i will never be that happy again. i wanted so bad to call him or text him last night but i didnt. granted i hung out with .:him:....we did have fun and i do like haning out with .:him:....its just all the extra stuff that i think about with that situation. ok like wheni was sick. yes .:he:. did come over and i will admit it made me feel 100 times better to just have someone there...and to be honest i couldnt have asked for more. but doug would have done that puls gotten me a card or a flower or something...

i miss the good morning phone calls or text...i miss "sleeping with the phone on"... i miss him being my alarm clock...i think the most is i miss being n his arms and kissing him...i miss that feeling so much.

you would think after all this time that i would be completly over it...or over him...but i guess i still do love him....and maybei feel this way just because i dont hav anyone who has met those standards or who has filled that void...

i just want to be treated the way i was....treated like a queen...no secrets, no lies...and me being the #1 in someones life...i hate being pushed aside or put at the bottem or not at the top of anyones list.

just reality sits in when you realize that you dont have anyone around you who truly knows you in and out...doug had me down better than anything...he always knew what to say or what to do to make me smile or happy...it hurts me so much to know that he is so happy and i am stuck...stuck the way i am with nobody and with nothing. i mean i have all these guys in my life but what are their purposes...do they truly make me happy? and to be honest they dont make me 100% happy...and i feel with doug i had that 100%....

im wish nothing but the best for him but i still do love him and i dont think that will ever go away. but like i said it truly hurts me that he is so happy and im not. i cant find not one person to just fill that void completly. and i guess the lord is telling me to wait...but to wait for what and to wait for who? i know thati am a very impatient person but still, i pray everyday for the lord to give me that patients so that i can find him...and to just humble me to be able to not feel this way to become better b/c of what i did learn from doug.

i just hope that the next guy fills me 124%...and treats me way better and just uplifts me more than i could ever imagine a guy to do. but until i find him...all i can do is wait...and pray

.....................until next time.................