...MoNdAy MaDnEsS...

Monday, March 23, 2009

well today served me a plate of monday madness....well i guess it wasnt too bad. i guess i just woke up with so many things on my mind it seemes to conjest my day. i did take two naps (even tho they both were about 30 min long...LoL). i need to make sure to stay on top of taking my medicine. when i do i dont seem tired and i dont feel the need to take naps. but when i slack and i dont take it like i should i get tired and yea...im glad i have the holes in my day to where i can nap and rest but i need to use the time more effectivly. so yea yet another thing that i need to work on.
our week of service is coming up :) im really excited first to just get it done and to see all of my old sisters and my ship. i miss them so much. they hold me down and keep me grounded when things with our chapter start to go crazy. i am just excited to see them and hang out with them :)

ive been thinking alot about my life the past few days. like what to expect in the future...what i need to do to get to where i want to be...what i need to accomplish so that i can reach my goals of getting into medical school. i am just tired of not knowing or not having a plan. that is the most annoying thing for me right now.

and i realized yesterday that i do alot to please other people. btu why? the only thing that mattes is that i get done what i need to get done and that i am happy. who cares about other people? i dont see anyone else right now in my life to go out of their way to make me happy or to please me so why do i try so hard to do the same for others? i am going to stop. im tired of it and its a waste of time when you get in return is disrespect and ungreatfulness....so im going to fix the problem and just everyday for me and only me...well and the lord or course...LoL..but in general im not out to make anyone happy. i need to be happy and the only person that can do that for me know is me.

the past few days when i thought about douglas i just got a bad and uneasy feeling. so i text him last night just checkin on him and letting him know that i had a bad feeling and just wanted to check on him. well his reply was that he has just gotten back from visiting his girlfriend...LoL...yea i guess that uneasy feeling was my gut knowing that right now he was having the time of his life while i was in kirksville dealing with the people that i deal with and not feeling that type of enjoyment at all. i dont know why it kills me so much to see him so happy...and me just...not that happy. i mean in life i am happy i am very blessed and greatful for everything that i have and some of the people that are in my life. but i want to be happy like i use to. to have someone to come home and call or text and ask abou tmy day. to skip that stupid games and stuopid questions...i feel that no one is on my level right now and that dosnt make me happy. i have all these people express their "feelings" but aare they true feelings? because they sure as hell dont prove that they feel that way by their actions. so why waste my time...honestly? oh well. like i said im going to live everyday for me until i can move on to the next step in my life...

i want to share this song. im not sure if i have but i heard it when i was working out today...and it just always puts a smile on my face...



trapt....echo

[Chorus:]
Close my eyes
Let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time
To waste asking why
I'll run away with you by my side
I'll run away with you by my side
I need to let go, let go, let go, let go of this pride,(Asking why)

I think about your face
And how I fall into your eyes
The outline that I trace
Around the one that I call mine
Time that called for space
Unclear where you drew the line
I don't need to solve this case
And I don't need to look behind

[Chorus]

Do I expect to change, the past I hold inside,
with all the words I say,repeating over in my mind,
somethings you can't erase, no matter how hard you try,
an exit to escape is all there is left to find.

Close my eyes
Let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time
To waste asking why
I'll run away with you by my sideI
'll run away with you by my side
I need to let go, let go, let go, let go of this pride,
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo in my mind
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo can subside

(I know I always loved you)
(I know I always loved you)
(I know I always loved you)

So I close my eyes
Let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time
To waste asking why
I'll run away with you by my side
I'll run away with you by my sideI
need to let go, let go, let go, let go of this pride,
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo in my mind
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo can subside

....until next time.....