...CoNfUsEd...

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

well i saw this pic and just had to share it. no i didnt paint it (although i wish i did! it is a very powerful pic...i need to find time to paint again...i really do...i have soooo many new ideas but no time to transfer them to a canvas... *sigh* ..maybe this summer :) ) but pictures like this i like because they capture emotion that can be seen n many different ways...i also love the detail...i like to do facial pictures so you can express details and emotions...but like i said i need to find time to paint :)
ok soooo now i am so confused. remeber carlos? yea soooo he came to visitme. he got here last night and all day we have had so much fun. i seriosly am happy and just enjoy all the time that we do hang out. the problem is .:him:....do i tell him? i mean he has done some shady ass stuff latly but im not sure if he has hid anything. not to be mean or 2nd guess him, the whole thing with toyas friend im sure he would not have told me if it would not havebeen for toya being in the equation...i mean thats just how i feel. i may be wrong but that is just my hunch. the thing with carlos is he lives in oklahoma city...yea i know...another long distance thing. the only thing that holds me back from him is that and the simple fact of am i ready to get involved...i mean i feel that i am but then i start to think of all the other details you forget about when your in a relationship. i think that i am just afraid to fall in love again. i know tat i want to i just dont want to ever feel that pain again.he is so supportive and gives me the attention that i want and need. not to mention i asked him to take things slow, i dont want to get sexual at all wth him yet i just want thing to work themselves out and he was ok with that. that in itself is a good sign. i feel that if i would have given that option to anyone in the past i would not have gotten that response. so maybe this is a good thing for me right now. maybe this is what i need.. i feel that with carlos i want to be able to commit 100 percent to him and to give him my all. am i ready for that now?


ok so the thing that has me so confused is the fact of .:him:. said this to me...we were conversating about someting random then he asks...so you miss me yet...i said no...he asked why not...i said b/c you dont miss me so why should i subject myself to think about missing you...then he said...well i do miss you...i honestly thought he was jokin and i made him mad b/c i didnt take him serious about it. but c'mon where is this comin from..WTF? is this a change of heart? oh and get this...despite the fact that he dosnt have a income and his car's transmission is going out...he thought it would be nice to buy me something today...in which he ruined the suprise b/c he called me and asked me what i liked..LoL...but i mean where is this all comng from? i mean i honestly dont know what to think. just last week he did not do anything at all for me...but now he misses me and is buying me things? that is def a change from the nor and has me thinking ALOT...guess i wil have to see where it goes...

but enough with my wacky love life...i am just ready for the next step of my life...kife after truman. i dont know what is next and that scares me the most. i dont know what to expect...i dont know what to plan for..im just hangin by a string right now...so that is the scary part...all i can do now is pray and hope for the best. hope that God will direct me on the right path. i guess that is all that i can ask for. until then i will keep working on what i need to work on and just strive to be on top...i cant accept anything less than that from myself right now. i need to push myself harder...no excuses!!

..................until next time...........