....SiGh....

Sunday, March 29, 2009

today....sigh...

yea it one of those days. it started off so well. i got plenty of sleep, woke up at 5:30 am to head to work...worked and had a WONDERFUL day...it was calm and i did not have many floor draws to do. and i only had to go to er/ccu a few times...the optimal sunday day at work. 

got off of work and it was 50 degrees outside and the sun was out and the snow was melting...it was great!

well i get to our chapter meeting, and yea....thats when my sunny day got clouds...

i just feel that with any of my ideas i dont get to use them at all! this is not fun for me anymore. i seriously just dont want to do it. i just want to go somewhere but i have no where to go...i want to be held and comforted by someone but i have no one...im just annoyed. i hate that "they"" jump when she breathes any word of doing so...i want someone to agree with me for once. i want to get to do my idea for once without any hesitation or doubt. my ideas are not bad or horrible they just arnt everyone elses. i rethink stayin here all the time. i dont want to but i honestly have no other options right now. i know that is my fault but i dont know what else to do. i dont have any other options right now. i really dont...i cant affrod to live anywhere else and i know it will be super hard to find a good paying job right now that will also let me take classes. im just in a corner and dont know how to get out of it. 

i guess everyone is allowed to be sad everyonce and a while...well this is def it for me right now.  i guess when it rain it pours b/c i do let things build up . and worst i hate feeling this way...and i didnt get to work out today...LoL

ok im not gonna lie i am a little sad, i think im just more annoyed and irritated and just unsettled more than anything. i am wrestless and dont know how to get rid of the access anxiety. i just need to get away from here...good thing we are going to NYC next week! that is going to be a much needed break! i really cant wait for it...you have NO idea....

i miss shawn...i miss being in warm texas....i miss my ship.....i miss alot of things ...i just need something new for now. that is def the case i really do. i want to know what to expect with my life and i want to be able to know that i will be able to take care of me and my sister with no worries...i want to get done with school and become a doctor.  working at the hospital is really a blessing. each day that i am n good mind...when im not tired LoL...i grow more and more of a fondness to help those that are sick and i want to be able to do so much more for them but i cant...and that is what drives me to want to be a doctor. i dont want to be tucked away in the basement in the lab the rest of my life dealing with the people that i have to deal with in the lab....looong story the ppl i work with are def a HOT MESS....i want to be the one writing an giving the orders, not taking them and doing them for someone else. 

im just really annoyed right now. and it seems like everything and everyone is not helping me feel better, they are just making it worse. i just need to do something to get rid of this type of anxiety...but i dont know what to do....i wish i could drive somewhere for the night....i just dont have n e where to go...well its 8pm...im on campus b/c i was supose to be doing some work on campus...but i just cant get anything done...guess ill walk home (yes i walked instead of drive! i know im starting to do soooo good! gotta save gas an miles! LoL)

................until next time.................