...NeVeR aLoNe...

Thursday, July 8, 2010

well over the past few days it has become suprisingly clear how alone i am...but at the same time i am not alone...

it is a weird feeling. i know that i am surrounded by so many people that support me and so many different people that love me...but at the same time i am still not satisfied with that. its like something is missing...like i am wanting and needing more.

i dont know if i need to lean on my faith more or if it is the simple fact that for the first time...i think ever...i actually dont have a male counter part. not as in someone on the side...a dip on the low...nothing...LoL not even a prospect. and i do feel good not to have that but at the same time it hits me as to how alone i am.

i honestly forget my phone at home or in my car for the simple fact that i know that i wont be expecting a call...and if it is a call it is from family or a random friend...or my roomie and i can text/call them back whenever. that is bad/good that i hav gotten to that point! LoL yet i am very dependant on my phone...i feel free and somewhat relived to not have to look at it every 5 min. i seriously will forget it in my car or in the other room and feel no urgency in getting it. i try to keep the ringer on just in case i get a call (b/c jennifer is still in Brazil so i always try to get her call if i am not at work...) but other than that...its great...

but for the first time it seems like everyone around me has someone...but me...
erica...yea to my heart burn she bounces b/w ppl that seriously are not the best for her. but she is "happy"...chelsea has someone...kelsey has someone...aubrie has someone...my ship, most of them have someone but it still doesnt matter b/c we r not together alot so its not like i would really know much/any thing about them....it just sucks when the people around you are excited about someone and going on dates...and all i have to look forwerd to is payday....*sigh* i need a vacation...LoL...what i really need is a new life....in a new place. that may not solve the issue but it def will shake things up. i am stuck in a rut and need to get out of it and QUICK!

but until then...i guess i will try to wrap myself in other things....like working out. insanity is great! this is recovery week...altho not at much cardio i am stll super sore!!! and i still sweat so much during/after the work outs. but i am happy to work hard. i cant wait to see the results i have been working for. now that is def something to look forwerd to...i can get more involved with my faith...and i def need to pick up the studyin for the MCAT....i just hate to stay busy to hide the faults in my life...but i guess that is what you have to do to make it to the top....

i guess the good thing about this is that i dont have anyone holding me back from doing what i want to do the most. i can just shoot for my goal and see where i land. i can say that is the amazing thing about it. but i gotta get to my goal first...so in all actuallity i am still stuck...LoL...yea the more and more i wrap my head around this the more bad things i see ...so yea...i am gonna let it go for now...and go eat...and study...LoL