....SiGh....

Sunday, March 29, 2009

today....sigh...

yea it one of those days. it started off so well. i got plenty of sleep, woke up at 5:30 am to head to work...worked and had a WONDERFUL day...it was calm and i did not have many floor draws to do. and i only had to go to er/ccu a few times...the optimal sunday day at work. 

got off of work and it was 50 degrees outside and the sun was out and the snow was melting...it was great!

well i get to our chapter meeting, and yea....thats when my sunny day got clouds...

i just feel that with any of my ideas i dont get to use them at all! this is not fun for me anymore. i seriously just dont want to do it. i just want to go somewhere but i have no where to go...i want to be held and comforted by someone but i have no one...im just annoyed. i hate that "they"" jump when she breathes any word of doing so...i want someone to agree with me for once. i want to get to do my idea for once without any hesitation or doubt. my ideas are not bad or horrible they just arnt everyone elses. i rethink stayin here all the time. i dont want to but i honestly have no other options right now. i know that is my fault but i dont know what else to do. i dont have any other options right now. i really dont...i cant affrod to live anywhere else and i know it will be super hard to find a good paying job right now that will also let me take classes. im just in a corner and dont know how to get out of it. 

i guess everyone is allowed to be sad everyonce and a while...well this is def it for me right now.  i guess when it rain it pours b/c i do let things build up . and worst i hate feeling this way...and i didnt get to work out today...LoL

ok im not gonna lie i am a little sad, i think im just more annoyed and irritated and just unsettled more than anything. i am wrestless and dont know how to get rid of the access anxiety. i just need to get away from here...good thing we are going to NYC next week! that is going to be a much needed break! i really cant wait for it...you have NO idea....

i miss shawn...i miss being in warm texas....i miss my ship.....i miss alot of things ...i just need something new for now. that is def the case i really do. i want to know what to expect with my life and i want to be able to know that i will be able to take care of me and my sister with no worries...i want to get done with school and become a doctor.  working at the hospital is really a blessing. each day that i am n good mind...when im not tired LoL...i grow more and more of a fondness to help those that are sick and i want to be able to do so much more for them but i cant...and that is what drives me to want to be a doctor. i dont want to be tucked away in the basement in the lab the rest of my life dealing with the people that i have to deal with in the lab....looong story the ppl i work with are def a HOT MESS....i want to be the one writing an giving the orders, not taking them and doing them for someone else. 

im just really annoyed right now. and it seems like everything and everyone is not helping me feel better, they are just making it worse. i just need to do something to get rid of this type of anxiety...but i dont know what to do....i wish i could drive somewhere for the night....i just dont have n e where to go...well its 8pm...im on campus b/c i was supose to be doing some work on campus...but i just cant get anything done...guess ill walk home (yes i walked instead of drive! i know im starting to do soooo good! gotta save gas an miles! LoL)

................until next time.................

...HuMp DaY....

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

this pic has no meaning of no influence on how i feel, i juat saw it and it caught my attention. the colors and the overall look of this youg lady...

well today was a ok day...had classes...i kept waking up for some reason last night...not sure why...i feel like i got some sleep but i was just annoyed that i kept waking up every few hours. it took me like 5 min to fall back asleep, but i just kept waking up every 2 ours on the dot...3:15, 5:15, 7:15....LoL...guess i just needed to wake up to realize i was in my own bed at home alone...

school is ok...our week is next week...applied for a 2nd job today...justneed something else to do this summer so i know that i am making some kind of money to pay bills and to save up just a little bit...since my hours at the hospital got cut i have to make up for it somewhere...

i had some thoughts today...they just came to me...why do inmiss douglas so much? i mean my biggest turn off for a guy is when they disappoint me and let me down...and heout of everyone did that to the extent of extreme pain for me...so why do i keep yearning for him? i dont need to...actually as of now i dont want to. he gave up on me and for what? and soon after that is madly in love again? yea im sorry i dont think that is huminly possible...so im going to STOP wasting my time and thoughts on him...period...time to move on. i need to open my eyes to the people that god put in my life that are around me right now.

last night i got to go out to eat with brandon...and for the first time he paid!! LoL
it was kool, i mean with him i have so many mixed thoughts...its to a point where i dont really even care n e moreand that is not good. i mean im not saying that i dont care about him in general i just dont care about the "state of being" between us...i mean i dont even want to think aboutit. im tired of thinking about it and trying to figure it out....so F it! LoL

well those are my thoughts for now....stay tuned

................until next time..............

...MoNdAy MaDnEsS...

Monday, March 23, 2009

well today served me a plate of monday madness....well i guess it wasnt too bad. i guess i just woke up with so many things on my mind it seemes to conjest my day. i did take two naps (even tho they both were about 30 min long...LoL). i need to make sure to stay on top of taking my medicine. when i do i dont seem tired and i dont feel the need to take naps. but when i slack and i dont take it like i should i get tired and yea...im glad i have the holes in my day to where i can nap and rest but i need to use the time more effectivly. so yea yet another thing that i need to work on.
our week of service is coming up :) im really excited first to just get it done and to see all of my old sisters and my ship. i miss them so much. they hold me down and keep me grounded when things with our chapter start to go crazy. i am just excited to see them and hang out with them :)

ive been thinking alot about my life the past few days. like what to expect in the future...what i need to do to get to where i want to be...what i need to accomplish so that i can reach my goals of getting into medical school. i am just tired of not knowing or not having a plan. that is the most annoying thing for me right now.

and i realized yesterday that i do alot to please other people. btu why? the only thing that mattes is that i get done what i need to get done and that i am happy. who cares about other people? i dont see anyone else right now in my life to go out of their way to make me happy or to please me so why do i try so hard to do the same for others? i am going to stop. im tired of it and its a waste of time when you get in return is disrespect and ungreatfulness....so im going to fix the problem and just everyday for me and only me...well and the lord or course...LoL..but in general im not out to make anyone happy. i need to be happy and the only person that can do that for me know is me.

the past few days when i thought about douglas i just got a bad and uneasy feeling. so i text him last night just checkin on him and letting him know that i had a bad feeling and just wanted to check on him. well his reply was that he has just gotten back from visiting his girlfriend...LoL...yea i guess that uneasy feeling was my gut knowing that right now he was having the time of his life while i was in kirksville dealing with the people that i deal with and not feeling that type of enjoyment at all. i dont know why it kills me so much to see him so happy...and me just...not that happy. i mean in life i am happy i am very blessed and greatful for everything that i have and some of the people that are in my life. but i want to be happy like i use to. to have someone to come home and call or text and ask abou tmy day. to skip that stupid games and stuopid questions...i feel that no one is on my level right now and that dosnt make me happy. i have all these people express their "feelings" but aare they true feelings? because they sure as hell dont prove that they feel that way by their actions. so why waste my time...honestly? oh well. like i said im going to live everyday for me until i can move on to the next step in my life...

i want to share this song. im not sure if i have but i heard it when i was working out today...and it just always puts a smile on my face...



trapt....echo

[Chorus:]
Close my eyes
Let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time
To waste asking why
I'll run away with you by my side
I'll run away with you by my side
I need to let go, let go, let go, let go of this pride,(Asking why)

I think about your face
And how I fall into your eyes
The outline that I trace
Around the one that I call mine
Time that called for space
Unclear where you drew the line
I don't need to solve this case
And I don't need to look behind

[Chorus]

Do I expect to change, the past I hold inside,
with all the words I say,repeating over in my mind,
somethings you can't erase, no matter how hard you try,
an exit to escape is all there is left to find.

Close my eyes
Let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time
To waste asking why
I'll run away with you by my sideI
'll run away with you by my side
I need to let go, let go, let go, let go of this pride,
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo in my mind
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo can subside

(I know I always loved you)
(I know I always loved you)
(I know I always loved you)

So I close my eyes
Let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time
To waste asking why
I'll run away with you by my side
I'll run away with you by my sideI
need to let go, let go, let go, let go of this pride,
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo in my mind
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo can subside

....until next time.....

...mInD gAmEs....

Sunday, March 22, 2009

look at the picture...do you ever feel that way? i know that i do at least once a week.
just a sever vexation by someone around me...it makes me want to get away...def get away from here...*sigh*...sumtime i just want to go somewhere but have no where to go or no one to go to. its just hard...i just want to feel like i finally fit and belong somewhere. i mean iam here but for what...for school..to pay bills...but for what else? what is next? i just dont know what to do or think sometimes. and yes its bad but i am seriously getting this "f**k it" attitude....people just act a certain way and to be honest i would not deal with it so i just push it away. i look at people that i have to deal with everyday and i wonder how do they get that way. why do they live like that or want to be that way? why do they let the little things control their life like it does? well im done with trying to please people. its all about me now. im tired of going out ofmy way to do something nice or to just cater to people in general just to get in return nothing or less than that...or even worse just flat out disrespected. so overall i guess i just cant wait until the next chapter of my life unfolds...where ever that is....

i bought my graduation invitations the other day :) so im almost done....im excited but at the same time i dont know what else to do. just sit around and wait i guess...i dont feel that there is much that i can do right now or if there is i cant find it...im just lost right now i guess. guess the only thing that i can do is pray and try to let things unwind on their own.

.....until next time....

...2009 MaRcH mAdNeSs...

Friday, March 20, 2009

well i have been sooooo busy with march madness!!! i got to see everytip off (that they aired on TV b/c they didnt air all of the game tipoffs) and as of now i think my bracket has only one thing wrong with it!!! that is the first time ever! i am very happy with how this holiday is unfolding so far. yesterday me and erica went and got food...drinx...hooked up the flat screen...and just enjoyed bball allll day. today i did have to go to class...but i got home and watched the games...then came to work where i am still watching the games...LoL...its been great! couldnt wish for better times! not to mention my bracket is almost flawless! ...sweet victory!...oh gotta get back to the games! LoL

.........until next time....

...25 tHiNgS...

Thursday, March 12, 2009

well on "facebook" there are these list going around where you name 25 things about yourself and you tag your friends in them. well i was going to do one, but i like to be a women of mystery...and seeing as no one, well maybe a few ppl actually look at this blog then i feel better making this list and posting it here. i just wanted to make one b/c i realized alot of things that i really never brought to my attention before...so yea...here we go...
1. i love my middle name...and it is very unique...i love it but i dont like alot of ppl to know it...(see #2 for explination)
2. i dont like for people to know alot about me...the less they know the better...i just like for the right people to know things...i just like it that way....
3.i am slightly afraid of the dark. what i do is i sike myself out by thinking of scary movies that i have seen and think of all the possible bad guys or creatures that could be outside my door or window...so to fix this i sleep with the tv on...the light is too much and will wake me up...but for some reason the TV is more comforting
4. i HATE sharing my drink with other people...unless i have kissed you i do not want your lips on my drink. its just gross and that is actually how alot of sicknesses get passe around...not to mention back wash...
5. this one is more so for that special guy (who ever he is) flowers...i love them...just not roses...they are too...normal...i like to be different. like iris and tulips...oooh and lillies :)
6. i hate to argue with people....its pointless...b/c no matter what i think im right and you think you are right...so you just go back and forth wasting your breath..so i avoid it all together and i just dont do it...oh and i dont talk about money, politics, or religion....3 things that will for sure start a fire...and i dont want to get burnt!
7.march madness is my favorite holiday (new years is my 2nd, i guess xmas is my 3rd...) (and YES march madness is a holiday...ita always around spring break and i WILL take off of class and work to catch the games...)
8.i am an artist...most ppl dont know that. but i like to paint. i can draw pretty well..but my real work is in the painting. i have won alot of awards for my work and hav had ppl that have wanted to buy it! so yea...i guess you could say im a big deal...LoL...why not do it as a profession? b/c i like to do it for fun...not as a job...i like to do it when im inspired...
9.i use to play soccer until i was in the 19th grade...that is when i started playing golf and basketball...so i had to choose b/c the seasons were the same. we were a nationally ranked team and got to travel alot and play...my nick name was "lightning" b/c we had like 4 stephanie's on our team so our coach gave us all nicknames depicting our character on the feild..i was a striker and goalie..
10.i LOVE reggae music!!!! i have reggae hour at least once a month (i play nothin but the best dance jamz for an hour....sometimes longer...started it in the dorms and ppl hated it...LoL) i seriously wish i was a good dancer so i could learn and travel to exotic places that play it and just spend the nights at the clubs dancin the night away
11.speaking of dancing..i wish i could break dance!! i wouls seriously write into MTV MADE to be a brakedancer...LoL
12. i use to have a poster of johnathan taylor thomas & tyson beckford (yes it was when i was young...back in the day...LoL...) on my wall..i had to take them down b/c i thought they were really watching me and i was afraid to change in my room...LoL i was seriously young and very nervious about that...
13. i like to take showers/baths in the dark with just a dim light (like night light or candles) when i was young i had to wake up at like 5 am b/c of early basketball practice so i had to not turn the light on to not wake up the young foster kids sleepin in the room next to the bathroom...so i just got n that habit...did it for almost 4 years...some habits are just hard to break...
14. i LOVE to cook..and along with that i have a fetish with kitchen utensils!!! i cant walk down the isle in any store with cooking stuff...pots...plates...or anyting w/o wanting to spend all my money...i dont know why...i just want a delux kitchen with EVERYTHING...LoL...
15.i dont drink carbinated beverages..got out of that habit when i was in high school and just never picked it up..if i do drink one its not very often...or its mixed with an alcoholic beverage...LoL...
16.i LOVE looking at the stars...when i was in high school one of our teachers would give us updates on meteor showes and shooting stars that would be comin and i would always get up early or stay uplate to catch them...
17.if i wasnt pre-med i would be an architect...
18. yes belive it or not, im a very affectionate person. ppl dont know that b/c they dont get to see it all the time...but yea with my man (in which i have not had one in a long time) i love to cuddle and hold hands and just get a little peck here and there (whenever i want!)...
19. i know this is weird but i am bias to my own church. i love going home so that i can go to church and i know this is bad but if i go to another servie i compare things that they didnt do at my church. guess the lord has my heart at my home church...but i do realize i cant be that way...
20. i want to adopt kids and be a foster parent. my mom did it when my parents got divorces and iwant to carry on what she did...
21. i have a really hard time with letting people go or cuttin them off. i dont know why but i just do. i chersh every friend that i make (true friend) and i treat them like family...so when they do mess up its hard for me to forgive them...but at the same time it is hard for me to let them go...
22. i like to always be "funky fresh dressed to impress and ready to party"...LoL as missey elliot would say...i would rather be 5min late and cute than 5 min early and lookin a mess! (well except to class b/c that dosnt count b/c i always roll out of bed and just throw sumthing on b/c i always have classes at like 7:30 & 8:30...)
23. i LOVE to smell good...i have a rediculous collection of smell good products from bath and body works...vickies secret...and other random things i got as gifts..i cant help it...oh and cant 4get about the perfumes!
24.i have grown this new found love for jordan shoes/clothes...yea inow how 6 pair compared to a year ago when i only had like one or 2...what can i say i like to be fly...and im a hooper so i gotta look the part!
25. a list of my fav things: my FAV ice cream = coldstone flavor = cheesecake with A TON of choc chips in it!!!my secret fetish = french fries...my fav place to eat = olive garden, cracker barrel, panera...and a few other places i just cant think of them...LoL...my fav drink = gatoraide....alcoholic drink = mojitos....fav place to shop = forever21, dillards, footlocker/footaction/champs(all shoes stores) and any store with cute clothes! my fav color= blue (but by default pink and green...skee wee! LoL)

.....until next time.....

...CoNfUsEd...

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

well i saw this pic and just had to share it. no i didnt paint it (although i wish i did! it is a very powerful pic...i need to find time to paint again...i really do...i have soooo many new ideas but no time to transfer them to a canvas... *sigh* ..maybe this summer :) ) but pictures like this i like because they capture emotion that can be seen n many different ways...i also love the detail...i like to do facial pictures so you can express details and emotions...but like i said i need to find time to paint :)
ok soooo now i am so confused. remeber carlos? yea soooo he came to visitme. he got here last night and all day we have had so much fun. i seriosly am happy and just enjoy all the time that we do hang out. the problem is .:him:....do i tell him? i mean he has done some shady ass stuff latly but im not sure if he has hid anything. not to be mean or 2nd guess him, the whole thing with toyas friend im sure he would not have told me if it would not havebeen for toya being in the equation...i mean thats just how i feel. i may be wrong but that is just my hunch. the thing with carlos is he lives in oklahoma city...yea i know...another long distance thing. the only thing that holds me back from him is that and the simple fact of am i ready to get involved...i mean i feel that i am but then i start to think of all the other details you forget about when your in a relationship. i think that i am just afraid to fall in love again. i know tat i want to i just dont want to ever feel that pain again.he is so supportive and gives me the attention that i want and need. not to mention i asked him to take things slow, i dont want to get sexual at all wth him yet i just want thing to work themselves out and he was ok with that. that in itself is a good sign. i feel that if i would have given that option to anyone in the past i would not have gotten that response. so maybe this is a good thing for me right now. maybe this is what i need.. i feel that with carlos i want to be able to commit 100 percent to him and to give him my all. am i ready for that now?


ok so the thing that has me so confused is the fact of .:him:. said this to me...we were conversating about someting random then he asks...so you miss me yet...i said no...he asked why not...i said b/c you dont miss me so why should i subject myself to think about missing you...then he said...well i do miss you...i honestly thought he was jokin and i made him mad b/c i didnt take him serious about it. but c'mon where is this comin from..WTF? is this a change of heart? oh and get this...despite the fact that he dosnt have a income and his car's transmission is going out...he thought it would be nice to buy me something today...in which he ruined the suprise b/c he called me and asked me what i liked..LoL...but i mean where is this all comng from? i mean i honestly dont know what to think. just last week he did not do anything at all for me...but now he misses me and is buying me things? that is def a change from the nor and has me thinking ALOT...guess i wil have to see where it goes...

but enough with my wacky love life...i am just ready for the next step of my life...kife after truman. i dont know what is next and that scares me the most. i dont know what to expect...i dont know what to plan for..im just hangin by a string right now...so that is the scary part...all i can do now is pray and hope for the best. hope that God will direct me on the right path. i guess that is all that i can ask for. until then i will keep working on what i need to work on and just strive to be on top...i cant accept anything less than that from myself right now. i need to push myself harder...no excuses!!

..................until next time...........

...PuNcH dRuNk LoVe...

Sunday, March 8, 2009

punch drunk love....by by K.c. Haxton

Come on Come on Come on Come on

Come on girl let's Goooo

[Kanye West:]

[Chorus:]

Hey baby

Am I crazy

Or was u giving me the eye (the eye)

You said maybe (yea)

Well you crazy

Because I know I'm too fly

I already know I'm too fly (too fly) [x3]

Yeah I know what cha like.

[Common:]

Like now I'm off the wine (wine)

And we can take our time (time)

So much I want to I wants to fronts spilled the bump when we grind

My uh in is ya body

My uh is in ya mind

Check my dictionary

That ass is so defined

It slippery when it's wet girl

I can read the signs

I knocked and I knocked (uh)

can I come inside

I knocked and I knocked girl

can I come inside

I feel like it's home when I'm in between ya thighs

It's the joy, and the pain, and the bites and the brain

What make it feel so good

That type of stuff u can't explain

I do what I do to do to make it rain

U got the invite tonight

And I'm so glad ya came

Cause you the type that danger we gain in yo

Mic check like the way I begin my show

Girl I come from chi-ca-so N I go

Turn around it's about to be a TKO

[Chorus]

Some call me COM (COM)

Some call me the red (RED)

U can call me daddy, I'm a put ya to bed

An appitite for seduction

And it gotta be fed

Her sexual eruption got ya hitting ya head

On the board

And knock and screaming, oh lord

We exchange like students cause I student a broad

And listen to ya body and low key partin'

And I keep pushing and pushing

U bout to volume up

We the type to make lovin and we up

We take a ride down south cause u need to re-up

Girl u call me big bank like I was saving it up

I'm the doctor I can hold it till my patients is up

I make, I make I make it hot baby

I know I know I know just spot baby

When we do it like we don't want it to end

It's 3PM we gon do it again.

[Chorus]

[x2:]

Come on girl let's go

To punch the lands unknown

We can fly on air

Jobs is everywhere for u and me

[Chorus]

Just a song that i had to share...its on the common mind control CD...def my fav song on the whole cd..that cd is AMAZING! common def did his thing with that cd...sad it only had 12 songs, but they all were good.

well today is the 2nd day of spring break..and guess where i am? ...at work!!! imagine that! LoL

nah...just couldnt find a good place to go. and i needed to save the $ since ive been sick and havnt gotten to work mush ther past few months. but its ok i get to relax, watch movies, and just be a bum!! LoL

.....until next time.........

....a LeTtEr 2 YoU...

Friday, March 6, 2009

last night, i was thinking...yes yet again *sigh*...of doug...and what we had...and how much i miss that. i wouldnt say that i miss just him but i miss everything. I mean yea what happened b/w us...i admit things did not go good...i fucked up...but how can you say you love someone and thenbe so quick and ready to let them go. I honestly feel sometime that i will never be that happy again. i wanted so bad to call him or text him last night but i didnt. granted i hung out with .:him:....we did have fun and i do like haning out with .:him:....its just all the extra stuff that i think about with that situation. ok like wheni was sick. yes .:he:. did come over and i will admit it made me feel 100 times better to just have someone there...and to be honest i couldnt have asked for more. but doug would have done that puls gotten me a card or a flower or something...

i miss the good morning phone calls or text...i miss "sleeping with the phone on"... i miss him being my alarm clock...i think the most is i miss being n his arms and kissing him...i miss that feeling so much.

you would think after all this time that i would be completly over it...or over him...but i guess i still do love him....and maybei feel this way just because i dont hav anyone who has met those standards or who has filled that void...

i just want to be treated the way i was....treated like a queen...no secrets, no lies...and me being the #1 in someones life...i hate being pushed aside or put at the bottem or not at the top of anyones list.

just reality sits in when you realize that you dont have anyone around you who truly knows you in and out...doug had me down better than anything...he always knew what to say or what to do to make me smile or happy...it hurts me so much to know that he is so happy and i am stuck...stuck the way i am with nobody and with nothing. i mean i have all these guys in my life but what are their purposes...do they truly make me happy? and to be honest they dont make me 100% happy...and i feel with doug i had that 100%....

im wish nothing but the best for him but i still do love him and i dont think that will ever go away. but like i said it truly hurts me that he is so happy and im not. i cant find not one person to just fill that void completly. and i guess the lord is telling me to wait...but to wait for what and to wait for who? i know thati am a very impatient person but still, i pray everyday for the lord to give me that patients so that i can find him...and to just humble me to be able to not feel this way to become better b/c of what i did learn from doug.

i just hope that the next guy fills me 124%...and treats me way better and just uplifts me more than i could ever imagine a guy to do. but until i find him...all i can do is wait...and pray

.....................until next time.................