.....TeArS.....

Thursday, February 12, 2009

although i may be crying...you will not always see tears...
and i know that is bad but it is the truth. for one i hate to cry, because after i am done i always feel stupid for crying in the first place. i just dont like to
"you deserve better"....if i got a dollar for everytime i heard that i would have my bills paid everymonth...LoL...
i was trying to figure outotday why i get these people in my life that do not benefit me. they dont drag me down but what are they in my life for? if they are not there to help me be a better person than what is the purpose? i am sick and tired of the empty promises and the fake affection. i would rather a guy be honest and tell me all he wants to do is bone than him lead me on and try to get to know me. its a waste of my time. and then when youtry to play games that is another thing. you can either keep your s**t straight and be real with me or jsut tell me so that i know that i can move on. i hate being the one "not knowing"...walking aruond thinking everything is ok...when they are not. its a waste of my time!!!!
you know the weird kid in high school that everyone would talk about but as soon as they walked in the room everyone was nice to them...yea i dont want to be that kid...i never have and never want to be...i like to be honest with people...but when that is not shared than that is when i have a problem.
heart day getting closer and closer the more bitter i get...i really do...and i keep asking why cant i be happy? or why cant i have someone who just cared for me truly...with all the BS put to the side...thats all i want...but i feel like for me that is asking for alot becuase here it has been 2 years and i am still stuck in my same situation...alone and bitter as hell...but yet all the other people around me have seem to found what they want or what they are looking for...well if its not what they are looking for than they have whatever is making them happy...theyhave somone to look forward to see or talk to or spend time with...i dont even have that much....
yea i know right now i am very bitter but could u blame me?
i mean with "him"....*sigh* i am lost and i am exhausted...i dont know what to do and to be honest i am just starting to get tired of trying. i really am. it is just wearing me out way more than it should and for what? i dont even have anything to look forwerd to with this situation...i dont even know what tomorrow holds....i guess that is what i enjoyed about what we had at first, but if tomorrow holds the "we need to talk" thing again than i dont want it....he cant even "primise to not want to talk to or "hang out" " with other girls...LoL...i just dont know anymore.
all i try to do it pray because at the times that i feel the lowest nothing that i can say to anybody makes me feel better...nothing at all...all i can do is read scripture and pray about it. and yes it makes me feel better...but weeks later i am back to feel ing the same way....i want these feeling to go away....i do and i dont want to just settle for anyone...but i do...i deserve so much better but where is he?
.................until next time..............