....CoLoNoScOpY...

Friday, February 27, 2009

Well look at the picture above. this is what i had happen to me yesterday...along with the scope that they shove down your throught and looks in your stomach. needless to say the hardest part of it was not eating for 24 hours...and taking the nasty medicine that made me...well ill just say that it cleared my colon out...LoL...but they found out alot of good things and hopefully things will get better for me :) other than that everything is good..just trying to get thru school and work and graduate! i applied for graduation today!!! so things are moving in the right direction i hope. ill keep praying and keep working on my grades and we will see how everything turns out!

...............until next time................

....MiNdLeSs....

Monday, February 23, 2009

Well nothing much to report today

work still cut my hours :( im not "ballin" like i use to be...LoL

i mean im not broke i just am not making as much as i was which is not allowing me to save as much as i was. so yea....that def makes me very sad. but maybe things will start to look up. i am just so use to working so much, having these days off is killing me b/c i dont know what to do with myself! LoL

i dont know if i should start looking for a new job or just enjoy the extra time...hmmm i dont know to be honest...we will just have to see how things work out here at the hospital.

well things everywhere else are good. went to columbia with toya this past weekend. it was alot of fun. we just hung out and shopped and ate. i only spent $100 bux and that included d meals, 3 pair of shoes, a dress, vest, shirt, belt, and bath and body works, oh and some jeans. so that was some good shopping ifyou ask me! i did good! oh yea and some AKA stuff from the greek store. so it was fun to just get away and just cut loose with toya. she is pretty kool...def a good shopping buddy. we loved everystore we went in and it was just perfect. it was fun for sure and i hope that we get to do it again sometime.

spring break is coming up soon and i dont think that im going to get to do anything fun at all. my job asked me to work some hours but im not sure if i want to..LoL...i really want to go somewhere fun and exciting! but not sure how that is going to pan out...we will have to see about that. *sigh* i wish i had friends with money and who wanted to go somewhere...but i dont...LoL

guess that means i need to meet some more people!
well i am at work now. guess that i could just start studying for some test and other things that i have coming up soon.

.............until next time...........

...pLeAsE dOc, KeEp Me On TaP!....

Thursday, February 19, 2009

well for the first time i got to go to work..this time not to punch in, but this time to be a patient. the other day (tue) i was having sharp chest pains, and my insides were cramping like no other! so as the tears rolled down my face, i was forced to go to the hospital and get checked out. so i went...they ran test, and i have severe anemia...i have to go see another doc on tuesday so they can run more test. so im not excited about that at all. bbbut i did get some morphine :) that was great...LoL..that was a first and i will admit it was wonderful...but today i feel alot better. i can actually stand up without feeling pain. my roomies and :him: have been helping out...oh and my sorority sisters. :he: spent the night with me both tue and last night, and to be honest it did help out alot. to just have someone there is very comforting. i didnt realize what a diff it makes to just have someone there by your side. i will admit that i did appreciate it and im glad that he did do that. and toya hooked me up with food runs and runs to the movie gallery...and my sorority sisters def called me alot and hooked me up with the junk food...LoL... so all around it was great. i feel alot better and im sure this would have been alot worse if i didnt have all those ppls help. not to mention all my friends and family that called tons of times...shows that people do care about me :) i also heard from my #1 doug (doug chapman) today! i know!!! i havnt heard from him in months! he got married and moved out to cali so we have lost touch...but im glad he called and i really want to work hard to stay in touch more with him and other people that i have not been checking up on. i am so happy! i have gotten alot done this week. got my FAFSA done, got my taxes filed, sent in FAC stuff, got my notes from classes printed and orginized (just gotta finish the homework), paid the bills...and i think thats about it. hopefully my brother will help with the cell phone bill b/c if so that will help alot since my hours got cut alot at the hospital. not makin as much so im cuttin it pretty close now. but yea...that is the hghlight, i was hooked up to an IV (which was great!! i wish i could walk around on one of those...just stay on tap..LoL..) and i had my friends step up and help out and take care of me. and my dad has called a zillion times...LoL...i know he loves me and was worried. i miss him...but other than that just trying to float thru school and keep up with work and everything else...
ill keep ya updated after my appt on tuesday :)
...........until next time................

....GoOd NiGhT....

Sunday, February 15, 2009

well yesterday was heart day. it was actually not as bad as i thought it would be. i got to sleep in, woke up washed some clothes and cleaned my room/the house. went and watched toya do the "polar bear plunge", went to the boys bball game...and yes i cook and had dinner for :him:. i was hesitant at first but i decided to after much debate. and to be honest i am glad thati did. it was so much fun and i could tell that he appreciated it. it was def different and i had alot of fun doing it..not to mention the food was great! and dessert! LoL...needless to say i was intoxicated before 9pm...and continued to get more and more intoxicated so i went to bed....but work up to all my friends calling me about going to a party (in which i didnt want to go to) but i went only b/c :his: roomey called me saying that :he: was drunk and throwing up and just...not able to stay at the party. so i get dressed...go to this party and go and get him. well it takes 30 min to get home ( live 4 blocks from the party), he spent another 30 min in the bathroom, 20 min trying to get up my stairs, and when i finally got him in my bed he passes out and was fine for the rest of the night. but i did have to get up at 5:30 am b/c i had to b at work at 6 am...and i got to bed about 3:30...it wasnt bad, i did feel bad for him. he is a rookie when it comes to drinking so he def learned his limit last night...LoL...but overall it was a good day. got some things done...and yet again lived up to my method of this being "the year of the first"...b/c for the first time i went out of my way and did something for the guy...i went all out...food...candles...dessert...movies....and the funny thing is i had to lie to :him: to get him to my house. i told :him: he had to help me move my couch b/c my roomey broke it when she was drunk. so he didnt think anything of it. and what was so nice was that he was going to take me out to eat at a mexican place in town...something that i did not expect at all. but it was nice...i just beat him to it! LoL..but i will take a rain check b/c that mexican place was actually pretty good.
but yes it was a good day...they lost their game...and me and my roomies had signs for brandon and brian...LoL..it was alot of fun. i dontk now i think that sometimes i just overthink the situation. b/c last night it was very clear that he appreciates what i have done for him. i dont know why somedays i think other wise...guess i just let my imaginiation run and it just gets the best of me...so that is something that i will def need to work on.
...............until next time................

.....TeArS.....

Thursday, February 12, 2009

although i may be crying...you will not always see tears...
and i know that is bad but it is the truth. for one i hate to cry, because after i am done i always feel stupid for crying in the first place. i just dont like to
"you deserve better"....if i got a dollar for everytime i heard that i would have my bills paid everymonth...LoL...
i was trying to figure outotday why i get these people in my life that do not benefit me. they dont drag me down but what are they in my life for? if they are not there to help me be a better person than what is the purpose? i am sick and tired of the empty promises and the fake affection. i would rather a guy be honest and tell me all he wants to do is bone than him lead me on and try to get to know me. its a waste of my time. and then when youtry to play games that is another thing. you can either keep your s**t straight and be real with me or jsut tell me so that i know that i can move on. i hate being the one "not knowing"...walking aruond thinking everything is ok...when they are not. its a waste of my time!!!!
you know the weird kid in high school that everyone would talk about but as soon as they walked in the room everyone was nice to them...yea i dont want to be that kid...i never have and never want to be...i like to be honest with people...but when that is not shared than that is when i have a problem.
heart day getting closer and closer the more bitter i get...i really do...and i keep asking why cant i be happy? or why cant i have someone who just cared for me truly...with all the BS put to the side...thats all i want...but i feel like for me that is asking for alot becuase here it has been 2 years and i am still stuck in my same situation...alone and bitter as hell...but yet all the other people around me have seem to found what they want or what they are looking for...well if its not what they are looking for than they have whatever is making them happy...theyhave somone to look forward to see or talk to or spend time with...i dont even have that much....
yea i know right now i am very bitter but could u blame me?
i mean with "him"....*sigh* i am lost and i am exhausted...i dont know what to do and to be honest i am just starting to get tired of trying. i really am. it is just wearing me out way more than it should and for what? i dont even have anything to look forwerd to with this situation...i dont even know what tomorrow holds....i guess that is what i enjoyed about what we had at first, but if tomorrow holds the "we need to talk" thing again than i dont want it....he cant even "primise to not want to talk to or "hang out" " with other girls...LoL...i just dont know anymore.
all i try to do it pray because at the times that i feel the lowest nothing that i can say to anybody makes me feel better...nothing at all...all i can do is read scripture and pray about it. and yes it makes me feel better...but weeks later i am back to feel ing the same way....i want these feeling to go away....i do and i dont want to just settle for anyone...but i do...i deserve so much better but where is he?
.................until next time..............

....HuGz & KiSsEsS...

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

hugs and kisses...proflowers.com....

what i want but no one knows....*sigh* maybe one day.....

....tHe QuEsTiOn iS: wHy!?!?.....

well what a week this has been!
had a blast in illinois....got to see my friend(s)...it was a good time. we did good with only playing with 4 people. i seriously wanted to quit one day due to the ignorance and rudeness that bryan our coach) was giving off...he was a complete jerk and i have heard more than one person say that his ways has made them want to quit...i just need to talk to him...
hmmm have 2 test this week...had a presentation but it was pushed off until ned wednesday.
hmmmm heart day...each day i get more and more annoyed with it. it remindes me that i am alone..i dont have anyone that loves me, i dont have anyone in my life to be my rock and to hold me down...i am alone...i have no one...and i know i have to be patient, but it is so hard when everyone else around you has someone and is happy and you are stuck with nothing.
i mean yea me and him are still cool...but for some reason i have gotten this "F" it attitude. i mean what/why am i working so hard with him for when it is going no where? i mean seriously...why do i put the time and effort into it...i feel that i try sohard and all i keep hearing is "your a great catch"...ok then if im so great than why am i alone? or how about this, if im such a good catch then why do i keep gettin good for nothing guys in my life who always push me to the side? for once i just want to be at the top of someones list not at the bottem...
speaking of...ok i have this friend. i saw his "girl" of whatever she is hand in hand with another guy and go into a car with him...i mean i tried not to assume anything but it was hard not to by the "physical evedince"...so i had to decide if i was gonna tell me friend or not....well i did. b/cif it were me than i want to know...at first he didnt kow how to react...then he wanted me to intervene...well i was hesitant but did as he asked...well then today he tired to say that everything was cool and in a sense that he would rather not know such things...so now i feel crappy b/c i ruined it for him...but at the same time she has already broken his heart once i just didnt want it to happen again...but most importantly i guess i was more dissapointed b/c he was just cool with it and was still persuing her...ok if that is the case than why didnt doug do the same thing? i mean give chance after chance...i guess when you "love" someone that much you dont care...you see thrutheir bad just to be happy...
i think thati truly will never be happy...i really do...i guess i find it and somehow it always seems to go away...i just want to have it and keep it...but that is the hard part...keeping it...well better yet finiding someone who is in it for 100%...where im not the only one giving somuch. thats where the real problem is...
*sigh*....same s**t different day....LoL
but i try to keep my spirits up....i try to pray more...read verses to stay movtivated and uplifted...so i guess all that i can do now is wait...
......until next time........

....HaRd TiMeS 2 cOmE?....

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

well the thing that i personally thought i would never have to worry about has happened. today as i went into work, my boss had posted a change. not to the full time people but to people like me who are "part time"status. my hours were cut...and imean in half



well lucky for me, well i wouldnt say that it is luck but you know what i mean b/c i would never wish anything bad on anyone that i know...but a lady got really sick so i was able to pick up her hours which put me back at what i originally had. so i am good for now. but it does worry me. i mean i dont need alot to live off of, it is my car payment that i am most worried about. i have saved alitte bit, but i hope that i dont have to tap into it anytime soon.




i have always put things like relationships and jobs in the path of what god wants me to have. i feel that he has blessed me by looking out for me and letting me be able to find my way, so i hope and pray that he continues to do so and not just for me but for others who are having the same problem as me. i could not imagine what i would have to do without working...i am too dependent on my job. i mean if i really needed $ i could not just call my family and ask for it because they dont have it either. so i really need to watch what i spend so that i am not left in a bad situation where i am in dire need of finacial assistance. so until then i will keep praying and hope that things work for the best (not just for me, but for those other families who are going thru the same problems, i know my problems are a fraction of what they have to deal with and balance)

..................until next time.....................

...tAxEs...

Monday, February 2, 2009

well it is that time of year. i just got all of my W-2's (whichi got three....im proud of myself...each year i have less! LoL) i had one from the hotel, one from the hosiptal and the other from the school (work study). so i honestly do not know how to do my taxes...soooo i gotta ask my friend to do it...i really need to learn how to do it. :he: said that he does :his: and :he: said that its not that hard...but i dunno...i guess its just one of those things that i get lazy with...
well i could change that this year and just do it...we will see...i gotta get it done so that i can fill out my FAFSA...i like to get mine in early so that i can get all the aid and work study that i can get. so that is the plus side.

this is the 3rd week of classes...it really donst seem like it. i have a
7:30 and 8:30 and when i wake up its not that im tired..its the cold! i just
dont want to get out of bed! the groundhog saw his shadow today so you know what
that means...*sigh* summer needs to get here and FAST!

soooo i decided to do something nice for :him: on heart day. i was talking to a
guy friend of mine and he said that he would love if a girl did that for
him...that days focus is usually on the girl that its often overseen that the
guy might appreciate a little attention as well...so i think i am going
to...with the help of some friends...LoL

Well, i honestly cant think of anything else to say right now. hmmm...yea so im gonna get on my homework...

................until next time..................

....HeArT dAy....

Sunday, February 1, 2009

heart day....the one day of the year that in a sense i dread to see come...

i mean yes guys have given me gifts, but i have yet to have someone just make that day all about me...*sigh* maybe someday.i have been trying to decide if i want to do something for him for heart day. i mean do the whole reversal thing...cook dinner...candles...the whole thing....but then i question myself and ask why would i do something like that for someone who i wont say that he dosnt appreciate it, but what impression will it make. i mean i asked him to be my valentine and he freaked out...so i just do not know how he would feel if i tried to do something like that for him...i honestly just do not know.

which makes me not want to do anything at all...i dontk now, it is something that i keep going back and forth with in my mind.

this upcomming weekend is the bball tourney!! i am super excited. i am ready to hoop and beat some people! i have quite a few ppl coming to see me play so i am very excited about getting to see them. i wish that he could go to see me, but i know that they have a game next weekend as well so i know that he wont be able to. i wonder if he will be as enthusiastic about my games as i am about his games....guess we will see. this past week we have spent so much time together, partly b/c of his whole car situation...but he finally got it taken care of. i didnt mind helping him at all...but he did mess up 2 naps that i was trying to take...LoL...

i honestly miss home...i guess i miss the comfort of home...the places, my friends and family...the food! (the most important part! LoL)

since i have been back i just have not really been in the mood to go out and party. i mean i will drink a little and get a little buzz but then i just get tired and want to go to bed...LoL...

and the greek parties dont even really get started until almost 1 so by that time i am really tired or i have to go to bed early b/c i have to be at work super early in the morning. so i just feel old...i mean maybe the party scene in kville has lost its shine for me...i ask aubrie to go out with me but sometimes she gets the same way...i guess that means we are really getting old...LoL

last night i drank and even got all dressed up...but by the time 1230 got here i was sooo tired all iwanted to do was make it home and go to bed! yes i took a little cat nap during the day, but i still was suoer tired not to mention i had to be at work super early so i just wanted to try to get some sleep. oh and erica and some random gay guy busted in my room at 3am...that was annoying...i need to start locking my door. usually if he comes over i lock the door...but i need to do it more often esp when im at home trying to sleep.

i found a new place to live for next year. i did indeed pray abot it. i asked the lord to either bless me with finding a place of my taste or that will be a sign for me to look to get out of kirksville....and i found one! after looking all day on my off day on thursday, i found a BRAND NEW, 2 car garage...my own bathroom...3 bedroom...kitchen with dishwasher and washer and dryer...living room...hardwood floors...the works! for $300 a month!!!! thats on $75 more than what i pay now but everything will be new and just reflect the kind of style that i like...i am really excited and want to start a countdown to when i can move out of the place we are in now. i mean the place we r n now is not that bad, i just have been there 3 years and we dont have central ac/heat and its just an old house and i am ready for a change and for something new :) i will be sure to post pictures

well im gonna start some homework. i am at work and i just got done eating breakfast, had a kinda busy morning. im gonna try to do some homework since i did NONE yesterday...

.................until next time....................