....DeCiSiOnS....

Monday, May 18, 2009

right now i feel like im at a cross roads. i dont really know what to do with my life...but i know that i need to move forwerd. do something to better my life and to just move on to the next step. the only thing that sux about it is that i am doing this alone...no one to really share this with but my blog...LoL...

i mean my family didnt even come to my graduation...so cant really expect them to understand...

just want things to work out how i see them. but as i have already discovered that will be put on hold for a while...

talked to josias today...and OMG he is n law school! i did not know that. he suggested that i "take a vaction" to where he is...LoL...i mean why not...i have never been to washington...then i saw the ticket prices....in order for me to go out there i will need more than the random once a month conversations with him....LoL...

i keep praying and practicing on being patient....no reward yet so i guess i have no other choice than to be patient and to keep waiting.

the good lord has not pointed mein the wrong direction yet so hopefully he will continue to work his magic and steer me in the right direction

summer has started....i have been out of school for a week...as an official graduate and what have i done? nothing!! LoL i have moved out of my home (*tear* yes right now i am literally homeless until june 1st until i can move into my new place...) and i have managed to work everyday. the money will def be nice since i have a car payment now...

but this summer i def want to still make/save up $ and just do what i can to enjoy this "cushion year" to get my plans together and just figure out what to do next...

well gotta get back to work...i swear sometime these nurses just work my last nerves!!

..................until next time.................

....GrAdUaTiOn....

Sunday, May 17, 2009

May 9th, 2009 at 2:00 pm...stokes stadium....Truman State University....






I DID IT...FINALLY....LoL

....U jUsT dO u & ImMa dO mE....pt2

Monday, April 27, 2009

all i can do is pray...

made a long huge post for this title...i made it private...too graphic and i drop alot of names and details about events that just happened that i just cant realease to the internet world...not yet at least....LoL

.............until next time...........

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

.....I LOVE tUeSdAyS.....

....ThE cItY tHaT nEvEr SlEePs...

Sunday, April 19, 2009

well i am finally back in the swing of things after our new york trip...how was it? AWSOME! i had so much fun. we are going to try to go back in August. to be honest the city was not bad. even tho i have a slight phobia of big places with alot of ppl it was actually not that bad and pretty tolerable. we learned the subway system and rode the bus...it was really fun. we walked tooo much. not to mention that i forgot my jacket and had to walk around freezing!!! but we still had fun. i would love to visit there more often. im not sure if i could handle living there but it def would be fun to go back.

school is coming to an end. we move into our new place in june...i graduate in a few weeks :)

never tought this day would come but it did! so i am really happy abotu that.

jennifer decided to go t dartmouth which i am excited about. i think she will have alot of fun. i wish she wasnt going so far away but she wanetd to get away and she wanted to go ivy league...so what can you say?

everything else is still good. me and britney are still not talking....and to be honest i dont care. that may sound bad or mean but i dont know what else to say to her. she cant even say sorry for what she has done...and if she cant even do that then we have no biznes talking. i mean i will conduct chapter how itneeds to go but i am done trying to go above and beyond what is needed to cater to her. im DONE and i am tired....time for a new day...a new age...to start things off right and the way that i want them to be.

here are my future plans so far:

may 9th-graduate

may 15- move out of old house :(

may 22-25-go to memphis with my ship

may 25-june2- go home

june 3rd- b in chicago for ashley's graduation

june 5th- come back and move into the new place.

rest of the summer...summer school and work

august- go back to NYC :)

school starts again....

so im am happy that i actually have something to look 4werd too....makes things so much more enjoyable to be able to plan and be excited about...kinda like bball season...LoL

...............until next time................

....NeW yOrK nEw YoRk...

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

i leave tomorrow for new york!!!! me danielle, toya will be heading across contry for a fun filled weekend...please look for the pix (prob post them on facebook :) ) but im excited...so you should b too...and of course i am gonna take lots and lots of pix!!! LoL

......until next time......

....SiGh....

Sunday, March 29, 2009

today....sigh...

yea it one of those days. it started off so well. i got plenty of sleep, woke up at 5:30 am to head to work...worked and had a WONDERFUL day...it was calm and i did not have many floor draws to do. and i only had to go to er/ccu a few times...the optimal sunday day at work. 

got off of work and it was 50 degrees outside and the sun was out and the snow was melting...it was great!

well i get to our chapter meeting, and yea....thats when my sunny day got clouds...

i just feel that with any of my ideas i dont get to use them at all! this is not fun for me anymore. i seriously just dont want to do it. i just want to go somewhere but i have no where to go...i want to be held and comforted by someone but i have no one...im just annoyed. i hate that "they"" jump when she breathes any word of doing so...i want someone to agree with me for once. i want to get to do my idea for once without any hesitation or doubt. my ideas are not bad or horrible they just arnt everyone elses. i rethink stayin here all the time. i dont want to but i honestly have no other options right now. i know that is my fault but i dont know what else to do. i dont have any other options right now. i really dont...i cant affrod to live anywhere else and i know it will be super hard to find a good paying job right now that will also let me take classes. im just in a corner and dont know how to get out of it. 

i guess everyone is allowed to be sad everyonce and a while...well this is def it for me right now.  i guess when it rain it pours b/c i do let things build up . and worst i hate feeling this way...and i didnt get to work out today...LoL

ok im not gonna lie i am a little sad, i think im just more annoyed and irritated and just unsettled more than anything. i am wrestless and dont know how to get rid of the access anxiety. i just need to get away from here...good thing we are going to NYC next week! that is going to be a much needed break! i really cant wait for it...you have NO idea....

i miss shawn...i miss being in warm texas....i miss my ship.....i miss alot of things ...i just need something new for now. that is def the case i really do. i want to know what to expect with my life and i want to be able to know that i will be able to take care of me and my sister with no worries...i want to get done with school and become a doctor.  working at the hospital is really a blessing. each day that i am n good mind...when im not tired LoL...i grow more and more of a fondness to help those that are sick and i want to be able to do so much more for them but i cant...and that is what drives me to want to be a doctor. i dont want to be tucked away in the basement in the lab the rest of my life dealing with the people that i have to deal with in the lab....looong story the ppl i work with are def a HOT MESS....i want to be the one writing an giving the orders, not taking them and doing them for someone else. 

im just really annoyed right now. and it seems like everything and everyone is not helping me feel better, they are just making it worse. i just need to do something to get rid of this type of anxiety...but i dont know what to do....i wish i could drive somewhere for the night....i just dont have n e where to go...well its 8pm...im on campus b/c i was supose to be doing some work on campus...but i just cant get anything done...guess ill walk home (yes i walked instead of drive! i know im starting to do soooo good! gotta save gas an miles! LoL)

................until next time.................

...HuMp DaY....

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

this pic has no meaning of no influence on how i feel, i juat saw it and it caught my attention. the colors and the overall look of this youg lady...

well today was a ok day...had classes...i kept waking up for some reason last night...not sure why...i feel like i got some sleep but i was just annoyed that i kept waking up every few hours. it took me like 5 min to fall back asleep, but i just kept waking up every 2 ours on the dot...3:15, 5:15, 7:15....LoL...guess i just needed to wake up to realize i was in my own bed at home alone...

school is ok...our week is next week...applied for a 2nd job today...justneed something else to do this summer so i know that i am making some kind of money to pay bills and to save up just a little bit...since my hours at the hospital got cut i have to make up for it somewhere...

i had some thoughts today...they just came to me...why do inmiss douglas so much? i mean my biggest turn off for a guy is when they disappoint me and let me down...and heout of everyone did that to the extent of extreme pain for me...so why do i keep yearning for him? i dont need to...actually as of now i dont want to. he gave up on me and for what? and soon after that is madly in love again? yea im sorry i dont think that is huminly possible...so im going to STOP wasting my time and thoughts on him...period...time to move on. i need to open my eyes to the people that god put in my life that are around me right now.

last night i got to go out to eat with brandon...and for the first time he paid!! LoL
it was kool, i mean with him i have so many mixed thoughts...its to a point where i dont really even care n e moreand that is not good. i mean im not saying that i dont care about him in general i just dont care about the "state of being" between us...i mean i dont even want to think aboutit. im tired of thinking about it and trying to figure it out....so F it! LoL

well those are my thoughts for now....stay tuned

................until next time..............

...MoNdAy MaDnEsS...

Monday, March 23, 2009

well today served me a plate of monday madness....well i guess it wasnt too bad. i guess i just woke up with so many things on my mind it seemes to conjest my day. i did take two naps (even tho they both were about 30 min long...LoL). i need to make sure to stay on top of taking my medicine. when i do i dont seem tired and i dont feel the need to take naps. but when i slack and i dont take it like i should i get tired and yea...im glad i have the holes in my day to where i can nap and rest but i need to use the time more effectivly. so yea yet another thing that i need to work on.
our week of service is coming up :) im really excited first to just get it done and to see all of my old sisters and my ship. i miss them so much. they hold me down and keep me grounded when things with our chapter start to go crazy. i am just excited to see them and hang out with them :)

ive been thinking alot about my life the past few days. like what to expect in the future...what i need to do to get to where i want to be...what i need to accomplish so that i can reach my goals of getting into medical school. i am just tired of not knowing or not having a plan. that is the most annoying thing for me right now.

and i realized yesterday that i do alot to please other people. btu why? the only thing that mattes is that i get done what i need to get done and that i am happy. who cares about other people? i dont see anyone else right now in my life to go out of their way to make me happy or to please me so why do i try so hard to do the same for others? i am going to stop. im tired of it and its a waste of time when you get in return is disrespect and ungreatfulness....so im going to fix the problem and just everyday for me and only me...well and the lord or course...LoL..but in general im not out to make anyone happy. i need to be happy and the only person that can do that for me know is me.

the past few days when i thought about douglas i just got a bad and uneasy feeling. so i text him last night just checkin on him and letting him know that i had a bad feeling and just wanted to check on him. well his reply was that he has just gotten back from visiting his girlfriend...LoL...yea i guess that uneasy feeling was my gut knowing that right now he was having the time of his life while i was in kirksville dealing with the people that i deal with and not feeling that type of enjoyment at all. i dont know why it kills me so much to see him so happy...and me just...not that happy. i mean in life i am happy i am very blessed and greatful for everything that i have and some of the people that are in my life. but i want to be happy like i use to. to have someone to come home and call or text and ask abou tmy day. to skip that stupid games and stuopid questions...i feel that no one is on my level right now and that dosnt make me happy. i have all these people express their "feelings" but aare they true feelings? because they sure as hell dont prove that they feel that way by their actions. so why waste my time...honestly? oh well. like i said im going to live everyday for me until i can move on to the next step in my life...

i want to share this song. im not sure if i have but i heard it when i was working out today...and it just always puts a smile on my face...



trapt....echo

[Chorus:]
Close my eyes
Let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time
To waste asking why
I'll run away with you by my side
I'll run away with you by my side
I need to let go, let go, let go, let go of this pride,(Asking why)

I think about your face
And how I fall into your eyes
The outline that I trace
Around the one that I call mine
Time that called for space
Unclear where you drew the line
I don't need to solve this case
And I don't need to look behind

[Chorus]

Do I expect to change, the past I hold inside,
with all the words I say,repeating over in my mind,
somethings you can't erase, no matter how hard you try,
an exit to escape is all there is left to find.

Close my eyes
Let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time
To waste asking why
I'll run away with you by my sideI
'll run away with you by my side
I need to let go, let go, let go, let go of this pride,
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo in my mind
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo can subside

(I know I always loved you)
(I know I always loved you)
(I know I always loved you)

So I close my eyes
Let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time
To waste asking why
I'll run away with you by my side
I'll run away with you by my sideI
need to let go, let go, let go, let go of this pride,
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo in my mind
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo can subside

....until next time.....

...mInD gAmEs....

Sunday, March 22, 2009

look at the picture...do you ever feel that way? i know that i do at least once a week.
just a sever vexation by someone around me...it makes me want to get away...def get away from here...*sigh*...sumtime i just want to go somewhere but have no where to go or no one to go to. its just hard...i just want to feel like i finally fit and belong somewhere. i mean iam here but for what...for school..to pay bills...but for what else? what is next? i just dont know what to do or think sometimes. and yes its bad but i am seriously getting this "f**k it" attitude....people just act a certain way and to be honest i would not deal with it so i just push it away. i look at people that i have to deal with everyday and i wonder how do they get that way. why do they live like that or want to be that way? why do they let the little things control their life like it does? well im done with trying to please people. its all about me now. im tired of going out ofmy way to do something nice or to just cater to people in general just to get in return nothing or less than that...or even worse just flat out disrespected. so overall i guess i just cant wait until the next chapter of my life unfolds...where ever that is....

i bought my graduation invitations the other day :) so im almost done....im excited but at the same time i dont know what else to do. just sit around and wait i guess...i dont feel that there is much that i can do right now or if there is i cant find it...im just lost right now i guess. guess the only thing that i can do is pray and try to let things unwind on their own.

.....until next time....