Wednesday, June 1, 2011
i was hesitant at first to speak of this man...in hopes of me sharing my excitement and happiness with him would somehow jinx the great streak that we had going on...but what i have come to realize is regardless if i speak of him or not...things will go good...or things will go bad. But in this case i was defiantly hoping for the good....
Mr. Rodeo Cowboy (I call him this because he use to be a rodeo cowboy! now he is the PR manager of a company here in Missouri)...has graced me with his charm...his smile...his hilarious sense of humor...not to mention his generous tips for several months at the bar (this encounter started back in October of 2010 but the real story starts in January 2011). One night at the close of my dinner shift Mr. Rodeo Cowboy
and his friends were there yet again ordering their usual buckets of beer and favorite cherry bomb shots. As usual he flirts with me, encouraging me to come have a drink with them and hang out for a bit. So me being in the "dating" mood i once was in agreed. Previously before this instance i would have a shot then head home because i usually had to be up early the next day. But seeing as he had made a little more effort on this occasion i decided to stay. Despite the fact that it was the Saturday night before Valentines day...i was excited to have someone actually show a genuine interest in me. After small conversation (and of course flirting) Mr. Rodeo Cowboy decides to ask me what my plans were for the week. Well i did indeed had a date set for the next day but this guy had to cancel because of work (yea a usual thing for me and guys that are older than me). Putting heavy emphasis that i was looking to fill this now void and vacant time that i had set aside for a date...Mr. Rodeo Cowboy decided to ask me out on a date.
Mr. Rodeo Cowboy pulled out all the stops...came to pick me up...let me choose the place (after flirting and arguing over where we should go in the first place)...paid for the meal...and even at the end of the meal we spent quite a bit of time just hanging out and laughing. it was the first time EVER that i actually did not want a date to end. So as he walked me to my front door...and acted as if he wanted to kiss me...he didn't...gave me at first a hand shake...and then gave me a hug...and left me for the night.
well needless to say we went on SEVERAL other dates after that (none of which he tried to kiss me or overly bearing with affection) but there was still heavy flirting and indications of some type of possible connection between us. He even picked me up from the train station when i made it back from Chicago (when i was there for march madness). After all of the "good morning/good night text"...all the dates....all the hanging out....after the finally awaited first kiss...all the drinks and shots at the bar...Mr. Rodeo Cowboy is turning to end up somewhat "like the rest of them".
Yes he is quite charming...and has the personality of someone who you would always want to be around no matter if you had a horrible day or not...he has a great smile and the conversation is never dull. He is tall, and has amazing eyes that you can get lost in. oh did i mention he is tall? LoL
Well recently i noticed a little distance with the "good morning/good night" text and overall conversations....actually the texts/conversations started to come less and less...my hints of me wanting to hang out would be replied with a "we will figure something out" instead of the actual set of day/plans like we use to. And when i would see him out at the bar he was not as friendly and would not flirt as much. And all i could ask was...why? what did i do (Again)? it seems like i cant keep someone around for longer than a few months...and that was the frustrating part.
Well me being me...i wanted to know. So as usual i send him a text after being somewhat ignored one night (not to mention he was flirting/hitting on a girl that was standing six feet away from where i was) .
i simply said..."hey, so there are a few ?'s i need to ask you and there are some things i want to say...i can text you, i can call you, or we can meet up and talk about it...your choice". Well deep down i was hoping he would want to meet...but that was wishful thinking...instead i got this reply..."whats wrong"...i told him nothing was wrong. i was just confused as to what "this" was and wanted to know so we could be on the same page. i said i did not want to be expecting things from him if there was nothing worth expecting...i wanted to know if he was just trying to get after me to have sex (or to just mess around)...if he just wanted to be Friends...wanted friends with benefits...or if he was truly feeling me and was just super busy with his life and other things that were going on...i said regardless i just wanted to know...no hard feelings...i would respect him and not be mad for any reason he gave me....his reply..."i don't know...but you worry too much"...that was it...nothing else...
Ok now i was confused more than ever...and at this point slightly...no VERY annoyed...why couldn't i get a straight answer? i was putting it all out on the table...and just wanted to know what i was dealing with. I'm sorry but i have been trying so hard to find one person to connect with and one person worth spending my time with and for once...i thought i had found it...but i guess not.
So after this i defiantly started making my space...not really communicating with him (seeing as i was the one who recently has been initiating everything) and to be honest it feels good. i am learning to just distance myself for people who are just not worth the time or the worry. yes i was slightly hurt...and i think i got so upset one night that i may have teared up a little bit. But to be honest i am happy with who i am and my life right now and if i cant have someone who can be apart of that (with no games and not confusion) then i don't want that. I am so happy with me right now that i just want someone there dragging me down. I would worry about Mr. Rodeo Cowboy all the time...what am i doing wrong...or did i not do something right...and one day i realized that it was not me at all. that it was all him and there is nothing i can do about that.
well i did happen to drive by his house yesterday on my way to teach a workout session at the fitness center. not expecting to see him at all...it was perfect timing. he has just gotten home and was outside walking to the mailbox (and yes at that very moment he was waiting to cross the street i drive by) i could see him smile as i know he noticed my car...but all i did was ignore him. i felt kinda bad about it right after it happened...but then again why should i?
I'm defiantly learning to live and let go...and i think with Mr. Rodeo Cowboy i have just let go. I am so much happier now that i don't worry if he will call or text or if i will see him. and to be honest i enjoy my days so much more not having to worry. I realize this is a HUGE step for me because in the past i would not have let go so fast or so easy...so maybe there is hope for me after all...
but as for Mr. Rodeo Cowboy...see ya around...and don't be expecting me to give you VIP service at the bar anymore but PLEASE feel free to keep giving me those genrous tips!....LoL