...2 ScArEd 2 CaRe...

Thursday, May 12, 2011

As i grow older i notice how i change...
ok i will admit right now that i am a little vain.
my roomie and i talk alot about how we think we have gotten better looking as we have started to grow older. and yes i couldn't agree with her more. LoL maybe it is me just filling my quota of "Self Love" but i do think highly of myself...if i don't...then why wouldn't i expect someone else to feel the same way?

 recently a string of events make me realize in fact how much of a "girl" i really am.
i take pride in being "different" and not like "other girls i know"...when in fact i think sometimes i do start to act that way...but i slowly talk my self out of the crazy thoughts that a girl can typically have.

for instance...say i have met this guy...im really feeling him...for a few solid weeks we talk alot...we hang out alot...he takes me on dates (never lets me pay even thought i offer every time)...then for a few solid weeks we still chit chat...but the visits and dates are non existent....family visits and trips with friends are filling his already busy schedule...work starts to consume his life...and i am stuck with minimal conversation...and yet again no one to hang out with.
now yes i start to freak out (naturally)...and here come the "girl thoughts"...

...OMG is there someone else...
...has he lost interest?...
...what did i do to mess this up...AGAIN...
...wait did i do anything wrong...
...do i call?...
...No wait should i just text him....
...blah....blah...blah....blah...

well naturally i get annoyed with trying to over rationalize the situation (as i tend to do with every situation) and i just give up. i am not one to dwell on things that i have no control over. i will naturally try in a small way to take control of the situation and if i am unable to then i just let it go. was it meant to be? maybe...but if not then i know that God did it for a reason. And that is the hard thing that i try to understand. Why does something that feel so right end up so wrong? or is it just a test from God...or from this guy to see what exactly i will do in this type of situation....do i freak out and do your typical girl thing...the whole "your not spending enough time with me" and "your making everything in your life more of a priority"...nope...i do the "Stephanie thing"...i realize that he already had things going on in his life way before there were thoughts of me. He has a demanding job...so with that takes alot of understanding that with a demanding job comes alot of time that i lose out on because he has to make his money. I understand (and i will admit i don't understand 100%) but i understand enough that right now i may not be a priority in any one else's life...but that is when i make time to make myself a priority.  i do have things on my plate that i need to get in order and get done. with all the extra time it is nice to actually itemize my "To Do list" and knock out some of those things i have been procrastinating for the past few weeks or so.  so i try to turn bad into good...and then just see what happens after that.

i know in the end everything will be ok. and everything will turn out fine. and while i sit around (some what alone) as all of my friends around me are starting or maintaining their relationships with significant others...i will continue to do what i do best....i continue to do what is needed of me to make MYSELF happy.  No one else is gonna do it for me. and to be honest i am currently having a blast making time for me and doing the things i love the most....Loving me...