....HiStOrY....

Friday, January 30, 2009

well i have yet to say anything about this and i feel that today is a good day to express what little political views i do have. on jan 20 2009 the FIRST african american moved into the white house, and so did his family...the first lady of which being an AKA :) skee wee soror! LoL

but yes i am happy...blessed...excited...that it has happened and that i got to see it. i honestly remember one day thinking to myself...will i ever see the day that a black man or woman would be in that position...and i did.

im am not very political at all. alot of the issues that they talk about really do not pertain to me...first i dont make enought money...dont have a house....dont have a full time job...and i dont have to pay for my health care or other stuff like that. so im not going to say that i dont care, but its def not on my priority list. i just do not care much about that kinda stuff...maybe one day down the road i wil...but as for now....nope...but i am happy that i got to see the events that went on a few weeks ago :)

next weekend is the start to our season with a bbal tourney in rock island, il. i am super excited. i wish that we could have more girls with us, but we hav alot of talent thisyear and i hope to do better and just overall do alot with the program thisyear. i am happy that i get to play and i want to focus on getting better this year...i want to do more than i usually do...but most importantly i want to make all conf team at least once this year! that is my goal :) so pray for me! and ill keep trying to work hard to get better.

basketball season is in full affect....no more football on ESPN (well after the superbowl this weekend) and then MARCH MADNESS!!! so i am very excited about that. i am hooked to ESPN even more that college ball is on. there are alot of good teams this year. so i am excited to see who makes it to march :)

its friday night...i get off of work soon....what should i do!?!?!? LoL

......................until next time...............

...VeNtInG...

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

well right now...well a majority of today i have felt very annoyed. for some reason all that i do is never good enough for some people. i wish that some people could walk a day in my shoes...THEY WOULD NOT MAKE IT....today i woke up from a great sleep...left his house, went to class...had class...was happy becasue i actually had ALL of my homework done and despite giong to be after 1 and having to get up before 7am i did not feel sleepy at all during class...went home. took a nap...showered and changed...helped him with his car...went on campus to study for my biochem quiz...took quiz...my 2:30 was called off after we got to class...helped him again with his car...went to grab dinner, sent off the BBALL stuff, went home to change, took him and his roomey to eat...came to work...

ok between all of that ALL day i have been runnig around to get the final signatures and approval for the bball tourney in illinois...b/c people want to wait until the last min to respond and then act like they want to go...but i find out today that they dont see that...i dont do ENOUGH as is for the team. it honestly wants me to not do anything anymore. the fun out of all that i do that is extra is gone now. i cant even joke around without ppl thinking there is something wrong...so i will just not say anything at all...

and as for my "sisters" i can not put in words how this year has been with us. me and britney are destined not to get along. i mean we do what we need to do, but when it comes down to it she wants to be the big D in the picture but when she says jump i refuse to say how hi...i refuse...and thatis the prob...but yet i never do enough as is...oh and forget her walking out on us...she wants back...and the other 2 runback to her like nothing happened. it is just annoying and not fun at all. it makes me miss tiffany and wynter and ash and cindy even more...i mean i honestly do not even want to be here anymore because of the past day. i just cant take it. people dont look and see what i do do, but they just focus on what they want to see and that is never enough....my attitude "fuck it" (pardon my french)...but what else can i do. i refuse to explain myself to anyone b/c i dont own them that and i have nothing to explain. fi they want to take on and do all the extra stuff that i do that they donot see then be my guest...

plus side to the past few days...his car has been messed up so i have beenhelping out by taking him to class or where ever else he needs to go. so in an essence we get to spend more time togeter. i mean i honestly felt better when i wasnt in my element of my regular routine and i could just hang out and laugh and just...enjoy the moment...but as soon as my feet hit the ground running again..it just starts all over again...

i honstly dont know what to do and it really makes me want tojust get in my car and drive away....far away...i dont know where...but it makes me want to just go somewhere....seriously i do...i just want to drive away and just get away....only problem is i have no where to go or anyone to see...so that is the only thing that really stops me. home is too far to go for just a few days...and i could go to STL or KC but they have jobs and school so i would be alone n e way...beside im on strike from going to STL still...and KC is just not fun at all...i honestly would go to chicago....i wold like that...see some people that i know...i actually know quite a few ppl there...but i will be going there next weekend to play ball..so that is pointless to go now...i guess i need to meet new friends n new places...LoL....oh well..i just want to get away...and its sad b/c yet again so early in the semester i feel this way...only diff is i am actually on top of ALL of my school work! LoL...yeai know, and ihave been keeping up with it....ill see how much longer i stay motivated...

well speaking of work im going to go do some...i just had to vent...just been a long day....if they win their game today and he is n a good mood then that will be the perfect cap to the day! wish us luck!

......................until next time...............

....SiStErS....

Monday, January 26, 2009

what is a sister...other than birth, what would qualify someone to reach a point to where they would call you sister?

i have alot of sisters....

my biological sisters (3 of them)

my ship (4 of them)

my sorority sisters (as a whole or just chapter wide...stilla big number)

bestfriends and roomies i have had (onlly a handful i would call my "sister)

a term so strong and enduring...is it a term of love without saying i love you?

would you ever just quit on those that you love?

quitting to me is not acceptable at all. letting down the people that depend on you the most. my biggest turn off as a woman when it comes to relationships with anyone is when you disapoint me or abandon me...that is the worst thing that you can do...it will take alot to redeem youself in my mind, but it is possible. i have a weakness for caring toomuch about those that i have let into my life...and there for it makes it extra hard for me to cut them out at all. i still stay in touch with alot of friends that i had in high school...thats b/c of i let them in, you are in a sense "family" i guess because growing up i had to depend on my friends to be my family support...and i still do at times. old habits die hard....and im sure that is one habit that will be hard forme to break.

.................until next time...........

....LiStEN....

Sunday, January 25, 2009

well today i am at work (yup the good ole 6am to 230 pm shift)

i like working weekends...the only thing i dont like is having to be up sooooo early, but other than that i enjoy the weekend. i dont have to deal with too many people and i get alot of my own personal stuff done. the hospital is not buzzing with 1/2 as many ppl and i can just do what i need to do and use my down time how i please....even better i get to be the only phlebotamist here on sunday and i dont have to deal with anyone else. i mean the people i deal with they are ok, they just do little things or get lazy and i have to end up doin the work anyway...so i would rather just be alone and have to do all the work than have it pushed onto me because someone dosnt want to do it.

this will be the third week of classes coming up. suprisingly i enjoy all of my classes. biochem is not too bad. the take home quiz we had i was able to do all but 2 problems so i was very proud of myself. maybe it wont be as hard as i thought. ill just hope for the best!!!!

this past weekend was tiff's bday. wynter went to celebrate with her in STL and i wish so bad that i could have gone!! but i had to work and had a ton of homework/reading that i had to get done. i miss all of them (my ship), i mean we all are not that far away, its just finding the time to meet up and planning things. its just not the same without them here. it was really hard at first but i am use to it now. going to miami with ashley was soooo much fun and i am so glad that i did that. i was scared at first, but in the end it was a great time and i got to spend time with ashley which we have not gotten to spend that much time together since she was here in kirksville over 2 years ago!

jennifer got a call from brown university! they wanted to do a phone interview. that is really good. i was so happy for her but at the same time i was envious. i mean i want to get into a better school and move away from truman. ill keep working hard and we will have to see where the good Lord wants me to be next

i did NOT want to get out of bed today! my bed was so warm and you know when you find that right spot and you just dont want to move...yea i was def in it and did not feel like going out into the cold to come to work. i have only called in sick once...so you could say that i am very dependable....but im not going to lie somedays im just tired and dont want to come...but despite that i get up,get dressed and come make sum money!

heart day is coming up...guess i will alone again...LoL...its ok, shawn said he would send me something if i wanted. i might take him up on that offer. i just for once want a REAL valentine...someone to cater to me( and not me catering to someone else)...someone to wine and dine and spoil me (and not the other way around). i really hope that all this waiting will pay off! good things come to those who patiently wait right?

.......................Until Next Time...................................

....LiStOgRaPhY.....

Friday, January 23, 2009

well the pic above is perfect...b/c i made a list last entry...now i am going to make another..LoL

this time the list i am making today is the "Things You Dont Know List"...

this list is a collection of things that most people dont know about me b/c they are just too selfish to pay attention or i just dont tell them :)

1.i LOVE to look at the stars...i dont know i just love looking up and taking a few sec. to drift off...i honestly think NO one knows that...

2. i love for the guys to play with my hair

3. coldstone icecream is the way to my heart!!! LoL (cheesecake with choc chips)

4. i hate when ppl i havnt made out with drinks after me...OMG i will just throw the drink away..

5. ive never had a guy do something romantic for me...not ONE things :(

6. i can not eat a whole pizza by myself...i try but when i get to slice #3 i start to get sick...LoL

7.i Love to cook! it is so much fun..i love trying to cook new and exciting things

8. i love a guy who can hoop and is not afraid to beat me...but will sometimes let me win :)

9. i love to sit and watch ESPN...my fav show...greys anatomy!!!

10. im not a "label hoe"...i like cute things if i get a bargain even better, and if it happens to be name brand then great...LoL

11. i have a great habit of showing my appreciation with my wallet...yea im gonna break that habit real fast.

12. im very independent, but i like a guy who even if i say no will Sometimes go against my will

13. i LOVE surprises!!! that is another way to win me...

14. i am very considerate...or just really dumb...LoL i give everyone the benefit of the doubt unless the prove me to think otherwise

15. i currently have 7 pillows on my bed...i love to just surround myself with them when i have to sleep alone...the best sleep ever!

16. i manage my money VERY WELL...people think im "ballin" well im not rich but im not living pay check to pay check b/c i try to manage the money that i do get.

17. i love to listen to music, workout, play golf and hoop...i use those things to relax...

18. i hate FEET! i mean i think its a little weird when ppl touch my feet...but im not gonna lie i have gotten one really good foot massage before

19. i only sing if im alone ad i know no one is around..and i do the same with dancing...

20. one day i want to bungee jump and sky dive! gotta do something crazy b4 i get 2 old 2do it

21. WHEN i go to a lakers game...my seat will be court side and i will be wearing wither a KOBE or JOHNSON jersey...

22. i want to own a bar or club or something that will bring in some easy cash...think it will b fun

23. i want to have a HUGE family...i mean me actually giving birth to all of them im not sure about but i will foster and adopt :)

24. i love to swim..i dont get to do it often but i can swim like a fish

25. i hate bugs! any kind! or bats....or birds....anything with wings...just freaks me out if they get close to me

26. i want to travel EVERYWHERE...i want to go to all 50 states...

27. i am a very optimistic person...i always try to see the good of bad situations and look at long term affects of something and not just what is right now...

28. mystical...UGK...and other old school hits are a must! i was raised on them...

29. i LOVE reggae music!

30. im a light weight when it comes to drinking...LoL only a few drinks and im gone...

31. im a tomboy at heart...but yet i still like to a pretty girl at times...but it still comes out

32. i love to wear my guys t-shirt or shorts or something...esp if they are just HUGE on me :)

33. i like thoughtful creative gifts...u dont have tobuy expensive crazy things, just something thoughtful and creative...

34. even tho i might try to act hard, i do like a little affection

35. the best way to spend the night is cuddled up sippin on wine and watchin a good movie

36. i hate being fake or not true...if i dont like someone or something i will make it known instead of trying to dance around it and act like everything is ok

37. i love honesty...not telling the truth just causes more problems...even tho the truth might hurt i would rather know the truth than be lied to

38. i just want to be happy!!! make me happy and that is all i need...

39. my fav candy...BIG HUNK (which u can only get in my home town) or hot tamales!

40. my fav pizza: from pizza hut or digiorno

41. love turtle cookies or brownies, my dads home made cheesecake, & my roomies baked goodies (yes all of them are good b/c everything she has made i have liked...thanx danielle! :) )

42. i like to eat healthy and TRY to lead a healthy lifestyle...but that dosnt always work out...hey somedays you gotta indulge! LoL

43. He has got to have short fingernails!!! (long fingernails are just so gross...LoL)

well those are the major points that stick out n my mind for right now...but im sure i can add more to the list after i think about it for a little bit :)

well today is friday and i really want to go out and get a little intoxicated...LoL but we will see how that goes when i get off of work. brandon is leaving for his away game. so ill have the night to hang out with the girl...even tho i did drop a hint last night that i wanted him to come over i dnt think that he got it...LoL...oh well...all i can do is wait... but yea drinking is def the plans for tonght b/c i have done good and i havnt drank ina while! so yea, its time...i will get some homework done then reward myself :) sounds like a plan to me!!!

........................until next time....................

......HaPpInEsS.....& tHe LiSt.....

Thursday, January 22, 2009

what is true happiness? that is a really good question...i guess a good question to ask would be what is your greatest fear? i think that is what has been bothering me so much. my greatest fear:

being alone, not being wanted...

that is my greatest fear. living my life alone without that true "happiness". i think the thing that hurts me the most when it comes to past situations or my most current is the feeling of not being wanted. i have go thru my who life feeling that way. since the moment my parents got divorced it was always a battle for me. i was always stuck in the middle of their problems. it wasnt about the kids, it was how bad they could hurt eachother. hence my views on marriage and children are so strong. i WILL NEVER put my children through what i had to go thru. even when it lead to me living on my own. the root of that...i did not feel wanted nor welcome at home. so i made my own way. that is one thing about me that i do admire. if there is not a way i make a way...a most recent example...my car. i didnt have one, i worked my little butt off and got the car that i wanted and i guess you could say that i deserve. but yes i am glad that i was able to pinpoint when my anger and sadness comes from in certain situations when it comes to guys. what hurtsme the most is not being accepted or wanted by a guy that i like or hav so much respect for. i have go thru my whole life feeling that rejection and just to have it happen over and over again is what sets me off i think. i mean sometimes its not a big deal (as with ben or anteaus) because i knew they were flirting with me for all the wrong reasons, so i played their game, i flirted and left them high and dry. LoL...playing "these games" is only fun for me if i am wanting to play "the game".

i know that this is going to sound so "text book" but, ultimately i have figure out to just turn to god. i mean i wouldnt say that i am a bible hugger but i am a spiritual person. i feel that wheni am more focused and do things more to please god and not other people my days run alot smoother. and i guess i am happy, in a different type of way but i can say that i truly am happy. shawn gave a spiritual book to read. it has a quote and verse that you can look at, one each day. i try to look at it each night before i go to sleep. and i must say that it puts my mind more at ease.

Here is a verse that i have for today:

Because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.....James 1:3-4

for my most current situations i would say that that verse well fits to what is going on. it is always weird for me b/c inmy most times of need and i turn to my scripture i always seem to find one that can fit to what i need for motivation and uplifting. The lord works in many diff ways :)

so i was watching practical magic the other day (def a movie in my top 20 list) and sandra bullock dreamed up and made a potion for "her perfect guy". she was married, and he passed away but she still had two children. after all of that she was still able to find that guy. is that that way with us? i mean for me i dont have "a type" i try to stay open minded and be open to any guy that i am attracted to and that just grabs my attention. so i guess i can start to make my own list...LoL...no im not a witch and i cant conjure up a magic potion to bring him to me, but you know maybe by putting it down in words in some strange way it might bring us together if god already hasnt done so....

"The List"

1. tall (taller than me)

2. athletic (like myself, would prefer someone good in basketball)

3. hair CANT be longer than mine

4. romantic (C'mon im a female...i do want to have at least one romantic date! LoL)

5. a gentleman (yes it is possible to find guys who are not that way...i have met them...LoL)

6. either graduated from college or seeking their degree (gotta have someone educated)

7. supportive of me and all that i do (basketball, AKA, my family...& all the other crazy stuff)

8. great personality! (gotta make me laugh & giggle, that is a must!)

9. dosnt lie to me (yea...nuff said...)

10. can cook(or he can be willing to learn hey i would rather a home cooked meal than out2eat!)

11. he puts me at the top of his list (yea im tired of being pushed aside for other stupid reasons)

12. not afraid of affection ( not hard core PDA but i do like hugs and kisses...)

13. no extreme addictions (like to booze or drugs...)

14. dosnt like to argue (b/c i dont argue...period!)

15. appreciates me ( i mean i am appreciated...but honestly not to the extent i would like)

16. dosnt have a problem with my laker addiction (hey i luv the lakers...old and new school! )

17. can hold a convo (on the phone! texting is cool but i do like to hear your voice...)

18. sweet and enduring

19. listens to me (pay attention! its the little things that count to me, not the big flashy things)

20. not afraid to take the lead (im shy, i dont make the moves whenit comes to guys)

21. not afraid to come out of their shell (sometimes you gotta act goofy to make me laugh)

22. thoughtful (like i already said the little things count...like if i casually mention something)

23. will play with my hair( my hair is long and real and i LOVE it when a guy does that)

24. can give massages! (im a hard worker, i need my back rubbed sometimes)

25. likes to cuddle up and watch movies (my fav thing to do in my down time with someone)

26. surprises me ( I LOVE SURPRISES! the good kind...they just make my day!)

27. likes to listen to music( its my therapy...i gotta hav someone who can enjoy it as much as i do)
28. can dance(b/c lord knows that i can pop lock & drop it so they need2make me look good LoL)

29. wears nice shoes (ok no busted shoes, sorry...LoL...just a little thing that is major!)

30. has a nice smile

31. someone the compliments me (i dont want 2 upgrade their social status...WE gotta look good)
32. smells nice ( ok i LOVE a guy that smells nice...its a weakness....esp cool water...)

33. wants to be my lover AND my friend (not just one or the other)

34. will motivate and inspire me

35. gotta get the approval from my sisters and friends (unwritten law of the women...LoL)

36. no annoying habits (like n the morning and makin that sick noise to clear their nose...)

thats all that i can think of now, well im not gonna lie i have had a few of those sittin in my mind for a while...LoL...but you know now that its written out i think i have gotten them all. but please know that i will be adding to this list because im sure ill meet more "dead ends" before i find a good one. but know this im gone giving it all...i wont do that again until i meet someone who i know FOR SURE will be worth me putting in the time and effort. but until then i guess ill wait to see what happens with brandon...if that still goes ill still take each day for what i am given...if not then i will go on to be yet another angry black woman and just wait until i am blessed with someone who the lord wants me to have...gotta stay positive. no use in sulking and being sad about it. just take it as a lesson well learned and be patient and humble...thats all i can do. oh yea and do my school work and achieve my goals...LoL

..........until next time..............

....fEeLiNg DoWn AnD oUt...

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

well last night was a night. mor eunravels with brandon and i...he is hurt and bitter...but at the same time he is fighting himself because he has created this "thing" with me...












i think brandon is great. all day today i racked my mind trying to decide on a comprimise or something that would make this work for the both of us. i tried to imagine how it would be to just let "us" be...and i just did not like that feeling. true we owe nothing to eachother, but at the same time there is some since of respect that is owed...i dont know it is so hard.












one thing brandon said to me when we first started hanging out was "you deserve better"...was that better supose to be him or was he talking about someone else? that is the one question that keeps playing in my mind. i feel that if we ever did grow more than just friends it would be amazing, but i honestly dont know if i am completly ready and i know for sure the he isnt. he has already expressed his bitterness and it is clear that he is still hurt...and to be honest i just am figuring out that he is wanting to "play" and the games he wants to play are games that i dont know if i can be apart of....that is what the main issue is right now.












i was....well im a sense i still am...happy. i mean we hang out and just have a good time. i think all i want is to be happy. i havnt really been happy in so long i just dont want to lose that. but is it the best thing to keep it? i mean i honestly want to but im not sure if that is what he is wanting to continue to do...i guess all i can do is pray












at the start of this i tried to blame myself...what did i do wrong...but i had to realize that i cant blame myself i havnt done anything wrong. i guess the only thing i can blame myself for is getting in too deep without know what to expect. honestly i prob would have preffered not to know what happend. i think if i just didnt know then things would have been fine, but what if it came up again? how would i have handled it then? i was so calm and just chill...it was crazy i honestly did not know how to act abut it. i talked to aubrie and she had the same reaction thati did. *sigh* this is exhausting! LoL i dont like this..i jsut want it to be normal and i just want....i just want to be happy.....












all i can do is pray....













.........until next time........

.....MaInTaInInG cOmPoSuRe.....

Monday, January 19, 2009

i am stephanie mcgrew.....ms.composure...a sister, a daughter, friend, not a girlfriend/wife/lover....LoL...well maybe oneday that can change...but the past few days i feel that i have been doing exactly that...staying composed....doing what i do best....

Yesterday brandon tookme to columbia...we went to the mall, out to eat and then to see the notorious movie. it was alot of fun. it was than at that point i really got confused for some reason. ok he says he dosnt want a commitment or "title"...but in a strange way we are commited to eachother. i made it clear that "what we had" was to stay between us or im done...and he did not seem to back away from that...so what is that exactly....i dont know. but "this" whole situation i am 100 percent confused and i honestly do not know what to think or how to think about it. as i was looking up at the stars on the drive back (yes it is one of my fav things to do...and you know what i honestly dont think that any one knows that...hmmm...just a thought)...but yea i realized that i was not a priority to anyone...even to those who claim to care...im all actuality they do not...well from their actions they dont. i mean i dont want to be the center of their universe i just want to be of some importance to someone...i honestly miss that...i really do...i dont know i miss alot of things. at the movies with brandon i wanted to hold his hand or just sit close and cuddle with him...but i couldnt...i didnt...and that feeling i did not like at all...i honestly didnt. imean that affection that i want is not there and to be honest that is what i want the most more than anything...

i honeslty am starting to think that i will forever be alone...i mean for me does true love exist? am i just cursed to never feel that way again? i think i am. i mean (i hate to do this but i have to talk about him again...LoL) with doug i do wish nothing but the best for him and his girlfriend. but the mean and spitefule side of me just wants him to feel the pain, hurt, lonlyness that i have had to go through. i guess i am justbitter to see him so happy and to find myself so alone and unhappy in a sense...i mean with brandon to an extent i am happy but its not 100%.....its just a partial filling of the void kind of happyness. i mean ive already stated that i enjoy spending time with him and the things that we do...but the fact that i can look forwerd to nothing else, i cant even get him to hold my damn hand without it being a problem...LoL...im just torn

ok and heart day...do i let someone come visit? or do i just stay here...n kville....alone....for anothr year. i dont know what to do....but then again i dont want to let someone come here b/c then they will get the wrong idea and look for more out of me...more of something that i can not give. i just cant...i am exausted with boys right now, i really am. i am glad my classes are not too hard and im glad that they have just started or i dont know if it would affect my school work...LoL...it usually dosnt but tis time it is consuming more of my thought and time than it usually does...a good way to prove that is to look at the past fewpost i have made...LoL what is the topic of those post.....exactly....i need to bounce back...i need to just move on. make other things more important to me. i think im going to lean more on school and basketball. i think that will put more focus on what i originally wanted to do and leave less time for guys....i hate to do it but i think im giongto not do as much for brandon...like cooking and doing other things, i dontk now, i wouldnt say im wasting my time, but why am i trying to please and cater to someone so much when its outcome will not be what i want it to be...i dont know....*sigh*...this sux....i need another vacation....

2 b honest ill prob treat him the same way...and cater to him b/c i like it and i like making him happy...LoL im a sucker...i guess ijust dont want to be alone i guess...and i hate to admit it but hehas grown on me. i might have grown on him maybe he is just afriad to say so or act on it....*sigh* hopefully i can break that wall....i guess all i can do is try....speaking of the devil he just texted me....

oh well...im gonna start on my homework....

..................................until next time.......................

...ThE tRuTh...

Sunday, January 18, 2009

well the questions of yesterday...are answered today.

yesterday before i got off of work i got the dreaded..."we need to talk" text from brandon...

so i wait all day for him to come over so we can talk (yea at least he didnt do it over the phone or over a text, he actually wanted to talk to me in person...i can respect that...)

well he comes over...at first its small talk, then down to it...he starts off by saying that he is not my boyfriend and how we dont have a commitment with eachother...then goes on to say that instead of coming over to my house he decides to hang out with a girl...whos name was not spoken...altho nothing happened it was the fact of the matter...he is NOT looking for a relationship or a title...

like i have said time and time again i never asked him for a relationship...i took each day as it was and just enjoyed it...i just wanted to be happy...but to just hear that its not really going anywhere makes me ask what am i doing and why? what is the point? i wouldnt say im wasting my time but i was hoping to make progress but i guess i wasnt.

i was sad and crying because not at the fact that he said what i already knew...but the fact of what is so wrong with me that i cant get a guy that WANTS to be with me....this is strike three...i mean i can win for anything....to much dismay i called jack...and he was actually really helpful....he told me not to ever question who i am justbecause someone dosnt accept me or do as i wish. which is right, but honestly c;mon there has to be something...first with kyle...then with ray...now with brandon? i mean i wouldnt be so confused if we didnt see eachother everyday, or if we didnt do the things we do (like i go to ALL of his games and cook for him and stuff like that). the "title" means nothing to me, just as long as i know that you are there, and are commited than im fine, but i cant even get that much. that explains why he didnt want to hold my hand or didnt want to be my valentine....ok then so what do i do?

i just ran thru my mind and tried to figure it out but i cant...i just dont know what to do. i just dont know if "this" is something i want to do anymore...something with a dead end...i dont know i guess after a while and other things started happening (like the gifts and stuff like that) i guess i assumed things were going to go in a different direction...but it is clear now that they are not. brandon is a great guy, he is just blind right now... i dont want to move on, but i might have to just for the sake of not being stuck in "this" just to be content. *sigh*...it sux...and sadly i felt no pain, just sadness. i guess i am numb to the pain of being hurt by another guy. i was just sad and confused i guess. i mean i assumed that i knew where we stood but i guess in the back of my mind i was hoping that things would have changed. i dont know... i just wasnt expecting that i guess....but i am tired of looking and just turned off to any other guys by it. i always get hurt,, no matter the situation...its me...my dad asked me maybe i am trying to do too much and just get taken advantage of....that could possibly be it, but i dont know how to be any other way....i hope i figure it out soon b/c i am tired of guessing and wondering and most importantly getting hurt...

alli can do is pray for strength and patients...that seems to be the only thing i can do now....i think im done looking for a while...i want to try to slowly push myself away from him but i know its going to be hard for me to do. none of my friends approve but i do not know why i am attached t him like i am....

so the whole conclusion of the convo was for him to tell me that he was "hangn out" with another girl (my roomey saw them...so...yea) but ultimatly we are not dating or commited..we are just friends and he enjoys whatever "it" is that we have....

i dont know, i wasnt sad b/c of him hanging out with a girl...clearly i hang out with guys so thats not the prob, i guess i was just more sad b/c of the whole fact of him not looking for something more but yet we act like more than friends and i guess i never sparked to "what if" in his mind to be more than friends...but i wanted to know, i was just too afraid to ask. i guess that was the lords way of letting me know. i don tknow if it will change anything at all but i def need to just look at it and re-evaluate everything and either hold on or move on...*sigh*....and again those questions of "will i ever find someone that i can just give my heart 2?"....each day i seem to figure out ways to answer that question but it is def not the answer that i am looking for...i guess all that i can do is pray....

.......................until next time...................

Friday, January 16, 2009

in the words of : Trae Tha Truth : Tha Diary Of Tha Truth...intro track...

"...i wake in the morning.....put on my face...
the one thats gonna get me thru another day...
dosent really matter how i feel inside...
becuase life is like a game sometime..."

somedays this is exactly how i feel. i mean not in a im depressed and i hate the world and the world hates me kinda way...just in a way of what am i gonna do after this year...i mean who (if anyone) am i going to end up with?...just typical questions about my life. i wouldnt say at all the i am a depressed or depressing kinda of person. i hate to be sad, most importantly i hate when people try to bring my mood or spirits down. i always try to look for the best in any situation and i try to be happy. you enjoy the day so much more if you sit back and think how blessed you truly are. even the simple things that i have in my life, i know that there is someone or some family who has a fraction of the things that i have. i guess the things i seek for now are self fulfillment and to aspire and achieve my goals. not to mention find someone who will just capture my heart...LoL (capture my heart and fall in love are 2 diff things....like i said before does true love really exist? )

last night i asked brandon if he would be my valentine and he asked me a really good question...what is a valentine? well that is a good question...

last year i did not have one. i found myself sending things to friends and doing more for them than i did for myself...and i dont want to be like that this year. this will be year 2 of no "valentine" if brandon dosnt ask. i mean im not expecting the world...i even told him all he has to do is hug, kiss me and maybe hold my hand...LoL...knowing how much he is against that, that would be the perfect evening for me. bbbbut im not going to lie, i have had a few friends(who are seriously friend status) ask me about valentines day...i mean i could just say yes and get what i can take, but i dont want to spend heart day with any of them. i honestly would rather spend it with brandon. i mean yea we are not dating (the topic hasnt even come up, and to be honest it dosnt bother me) but ijust want more of an initiative...i hav grown fond of brandon im just not sure how he feels about me...i am terrified to ask...i really am. i think it is because of my last situation. i dont want to feel that way again...but i guess that is a risk that you take with everyone you meet and become friends with...i still want to try to avoid it...but im not sure if i will be able to b/c that question keeps running thru my mind and i am very curious to know the answer...*sigh* maybe someday soon i will work up the courage to ask...when i do you will be the first to know! LoL

....................until next time........................

.....101 YeArS of SiStErHoOd AnD sErViCe.....

Thursday, January 15, 2009

101 year ago...something GREAT was created....sisterhood and service....alpha kappa alpha sorority inc, the image of divine womenhood :) i am glad, blessed, and lucky to be apart of such greatnedd :)

ooooooooooh yea! the boys won last night...it was a buzzer beater...as u can see the guy who made the shot is n the middle of the huddle...but it was a good game. im glad they won. they needed it :) now all i gotta do is work on my club team and see how far we can go this year! :)

.....................until nex time............

....fAlLiNg BaCk In LoVe...ThIs TiMe WiTh HiP hOp....

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Well i recently got Commons new CD named "Universal Mind Control"...let me just say that i cant stop listening to it...finding forever was great but this album is AMAZING! Punch drunk love if my fav feat kanye and pharell. it is my new theme song...LoL

i dont know just latly i have just been thinking about my life and the people that are in it. WIth brandon i really enjoy spending time with him and he makes me laugh and when we hang out he makes me all around just happy...but im not sure if he is wanting more than that "friendship"...i want someone to send me messages randomly saying nice things, or someone who wants to hug me and cuddle and hold my hand... im honestly tired of the single life...i want someone to come home to each day and to know that i have someone one. i dont like the uncertanty or worse the lack of commitment. i mean the "title" to me isnt important...its the other things like substance and actions...thats what i am looking for. i know he was hurt but so was i...im really afraid to talk to him about it b/c i just dont know how he will react or what he will say. i mean i asked if he could hold my hand and he said "i was F'in shid up" (his words exactly)...i dunno...im just at a lost...but i am more afraid than anything.

latly i have been thinking about doug...yes i hate to admit it...i dont know why. i hav not called or texted him in a loooong while which is a big step and improvement. i just know how good he did treat me...he treated me the way that i wanted to be treated and i meet guys today and i question and ask myself if i will ever feel that way again. i dont know...i guess i just have been single too long now and just want something. but i will be patient and not just settle...but i have a record of getting people that i dont want...and the people that i DO want usually dont want the same things as me...so thats why i am so afraid.

i mean with brandon i dont hold back at all...i support him sooo much and i try to just be there for him in any way. dont get me wrong he does alot for me too. i guess i just want more...he is a great guy...great personality...and i love spending time with him. but i cant even get him to hold my hand...or take me on a real date...LoL...i guess u get what you can right? i dunno...its just a hard postition for me...not to mention heart day is coming up....

well here is one of my fav common songs...i think i have shared it before but i must share it again...its called i want you and its on last years album finding forever. im sure ill share songs from his most recent, this song is just speaking to me now...and besides i gotta go watch brandon play...LoL

....................until next time..............



Once the love was strongNow it's long, long goneCause the pain, pain now as a stormI would make, growing oldCause I want you, cause I want youI want you, I want youI've been thinking bout, I've been thinking boutI've been thinking bout you latelyThoughts take me to when we were closeAddicted to your love, feel I need another doseI know it's a feeling that should be long goneThings seem to come up when I hear our songGolden brown girl, it seemed so longSince I heard your voice, where did the king go wrong?Emotions that, that they linger onI guess cause I never knew a love so strongSo many hot girls I need your warmThe taste of your mouth girl I need your warmGood food and love I need your warmThis here was made before we were bornA dreamer so I'm a keep dreaming onIt's kind of like 'The Breakup' with Jen and Vince VaughnOnce the love was strongNow it's long, long goneCause the pain, pain now as a stormI would make, growing oldCause I want you, cause I want youI want you, I want youCause I want you, cause I want youI want you, I want youThey say you don't know, know, know what you gotTill what u got is goneYeah I write such and such, yo a lot but the feelings not as strongWe were like 2 birds that were able to flyI try to pick the right words to say to the skySome days I would try but wasn't able to cryI never been good at saying goodbyeI take a deep breath when the times is hardWhen I reminisce over you, my GodI spent many years trying to be the heartthrobI guess it's only right that I got my heart robbedThe scent of a room that reminds me of youA hint of perfume it reminds me of youTake a look at the moon it reminds me of youHope the stars and the gods align me and youWe do what we do and we do what we liveI love this way cause I got it as a kidWith so much to give from it, I never hidThe love that I wrote on the mirror it got smearedMy friends say it was a change for the betterBut I say, girl you changed my foreverRelationships they can be as strange as the weatherRain or sun we can sing this togetherCause I want you, cause I want youI want you, I want youCause I want you, cause I want youI want you, I want you

.....ThE lAsT fIrSt DaY oF cLaSs....

Monday, January 12, 2009

well today was "officially" the last first day of class that i had. i graduate in may and this is my last semester needed to get the degree i have been seeking for the past 4 1/2 years....now what i do after this semester is still in question, but hey at least i am on the right track. this is ther first semester i dont have to take 15-17 hours (i am taking 12!!!), and i dont have any classes on tuesday!!!! that is the first time ever which is really nice. it dosnt seem like school has started. but it will take me a few days to get back in the groove of everything.

i got another rejection letter today :( i figured as much but oh well, all i can do it keep trying...

i havnt unpacked from the break yet...all my bags are sitting allllll over my floor and i have clothes everywhere...LoL ill get to it eventually...but i do need to clean it up b/c im tired of stepping over stuff just to walk across my room.

well i was at work and had some spare time and decided to write....

......until next time.......

...2009....THE year OF the FIRST....

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Well i have decided NOT to make a list of new years resolutions....i decided to dub this year "The Year of The First"...this year i am going to push myself to do things i have not done for whatever reasons....ive gone to miami for new years (the first time i have spent new years someplace other than at home in lubbock texas!!!), i held an alligator...the first xmas i didnt go too overboard with giving ppl gifts (i know its tech not 2009, but its close enough and that when i came up with the idea....LoL), hmmm this time at home is the first time ihave really just spoiled myself...with the extra money i didnt save whil ei was in miami i bought myselfe some shoes, new flat iron (VERy expensive), and some clothes..., oh while in miami i tried alot of differnt foods such as cuban, Mediterranean, a place called Fogo De Chio (OMG one of my top 5 fav places), tried alot of new alcoholic drinks,....

these past 11 days of january i have already done ALOT of new and different things...and that is just the start of it. i plan to do many more...

now my goals ...

1. say NO to procrastination!!!! (its my worst enemy and i do it all the time, i need to stop NOW)

2. be more mindful and less wasteful of $ ( i mean im not rich but i am able to get by with a little extra and i always just get what i want when i need to be more mindful and save every penny that i can...like eating at home, not buying stupid things, not having to pay stupid fines, etc)

3. score well on the MCATs and get my grades up (next year i want to be very competitive and not be afraid to apply to any school that i want too...)

4. Be more honest and truthful and become someones top priority for once (who cares what ppl will think, i need to start caring less about other ppl and MORE about me. im tired of taking the back seat to other people when i put them in the front seat.)

5. stay better n touch with family and friends (even tho i do a pretty good job @ it i can def try harder...)

6. grow more as a person and just enjoy each day MORE

7. add to this list b/c i know that there are alot more things that i can do to improve :)

.....Im BaCk....

well after a long vacation...i am back in kirksville :-/

i went home for xmas break and it was amazing, not to mention i was able to go to miami for new years with my sorority sister ashley. we seriously had the BEST time. we got to just hang out at the beach, we ate at alot of great places, went to the beach, hit up a few clubs, played with alligators, swam with the fish, took a boat ride into the sunset...it was alot of fun! i cant wait to see her again. im just sad she and i are the only ones with funds to do things like that. but you know maybe in a few years we all will be able to do something like that. we always try to plan something with everyone but it dosnt always work out that way.

well over the break guess who i met back up with....well who i ran into and hung out with for a few dayz....mr. jack king...boyfriend #2. yea, it was cool, and when i saw him i asked my self what did i see in him....LoL i guess im not attracted to him in anytype of way now...i mean despite the fact that he cheated on me numerious times, we still have managed to stay friends over the years which is cool i guess. yea...def friend status. the times we did hang out it was fun except when he would hit on me...LOL...yes it did happen but most of the time i laughed it off.

i got to spend alot of time with my best friend shawn. i already miss him so much! he is like family to me. i def cried when i left him. i just miss him and just hope that he does good. i am literally the only true friend he has and the closest thing to family he has since he is n texas. but i know i will get to see him again. but i already miss him :(

hmmm hung out with ashley...always fun as usual. we had a blast the last night i was there. me her and amanda hit up a bar and the D.Lounge and had a blast! ran into the alphas from tech, it was kool to see them! they were so cute...LoL...well not in the "im attracted" to them kinda way...in the way of "little brother wearing a new sweater" kinda cute...yea...i cant F**k with alphas...LoL 3 reasons....Antaeus, Raymond, and Ben...LMAO

speaking of Ben i got to see him and hang out. he just got a really good job and is doing really good forhimself. ben would be a great guy, he just...is an "ALPHA"....LoL yes to me that means something b/c i can put him in that catigory which labels him in alot of ways, but i cant help it...all 3 that i havemet have all been the same way...same traits, same flaws, same ideas....so why not label them the same right...i mean afterall in a weird sort of way they are all brothers...

got to hang out with the family. my dad...jennifer...i tim...my other brothers and sisters...it was kool i guess...i def had more fun with shawn and ashley...oh and goin to the mall everyday and gettin to go to miami.

oh i got to see ryan as well....*sigh*...*shaking head "no"*....thats all i can say...LoL...

well i got back to kville yesterday about 5:20pm. i unpacked the millions of bags and other things thatwere in my car, and just relaxed...took a shower, got all dressed up and cute, and then went to brandons and brians game. they did so good, but they lost again. They both got to play a lot (brian even started!) but that did not matter. brandon was so down about it. it was even so bad he really was just kinda in a slump all night when he came over. i can totally understand y he is upset...but he did eventully show that he missed me...i just hope and pray that they win their game on WED. the whole team is down b/c they have lost 7 games in a row...and its starting to take an affect on brandon and i dont like it at all...i dont even know what to say to him when he gets like that. all i try to do is let him talk, and i listen...oh and answer a question if he asks...but i really dont know what else to do other than that. i dont want to say the wrong things or make the situation any worse. well i hope he is n a better mood today, i really want to show him all the things i got him...i am super excited to give him his things. im not sure if he will be as excited but i know for sure that i am...LoL...

other than that...school sux...oh yea im still single...which isnt a problem im just wanting a little more than what i am being given right now...but i dunno, all i can do is pray about it and just wait to see what the good lord has planned for me in the future.

the future....hmm that is a good question...im not even sure what i want to do. i mean i applied to schools but im not sure if i have what it takes yet, i def dont have the money, and i dunno just the anxiety of it all does the same for me.

well im at work right now...which is much needed...being at home and going to miami broke me...LoL i was tryin to live like a VIP...having the best of the best...i even flew first class :) but im gonna go...i gotta try to do some type of work so that i can stay awake while im at work...LoL

..........................until next time...........................