...PoStEd By... ms.composure ...@... 1/30/2009 09:10:00 PM
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
well right now...well a majority of today i have felt very annoyed. for some reason all that i do is never good enough for some people. i wish that some people could walk a day in my shoes...THEY WOULD NOT MAKE IT....today i woke up from a great sleep...left his house, went to class...had class...was happy becasue i actually had ALL of my homework done and despite giong to be after 1 and having to get up before 7am i did not feel sleepy at all during class...went home. took a nap...showered and changed...helped him with his car...went on campus to study for my biochem quiz...took quiz...my 2:30 was called off after we got to class...helped him again with his car...went to grab dinner, sent off the BBALL stuff, went home to change, took him and his roomey to eat...came to work...
...PoStEd By... ms.composure ...@... 1/28/2009 06:19:00 PM
Monday, January 26, 2009
...PoStEd By... ms.composure ...@... 1/26/2009 08:37:00 PM
Sunday, January 25, 2009
...PoStEd By... ms.composure ...@... 1/25/2009 09:08:00 AM
Friday, January 23, 2009
...PoStEd By... ms.composure ...@... 1/23/2009 05:29:00 PM
Thursday, January 22, 2009
28. can dance(b/c lord knows that i can pop lock & drop it so they need2make me look good LoL)
32. smells nice ( ok i LOVE a guy that smells nice...its a weakness....esp cool water...)
...PoStEd By... ms.composure ...@... 1/22/2009 06:49:00 PM
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
well last night was a night. mor eunravels with brandon and i...he is hurt and bitter...but at the same time he is fighting himself because he has created this "thing" with me...
i think brandon is great. all day today i racked my mind trying to decide on a comprimise or something that would make this work for the both of us. i tried to imagine how it would be to just let "us" be...and i just did not like that feeling. true we owe nothing to eachother, but at the same time there is some since of respect that is owed...i dont know it is so hard.
one thing brandon said to me when we first started hanging out was "you deserve better"...was that better supose to be him or was he talking about someone else? that is the one question that keeps playing in my mind. i feel that if we ever did grow more than just friends it would be amazing, but i honestly dont know if i am completly ready and i know for sure the he isnt. he has already expressed his bitterness and it is clear that he is still hurt...and to be honest i just am figuring out that he is wanting to "play" and the games he wants to play are games that i dont know if i can be apart of....that is what the main issue is right now.
i was....well im a sense i still am...happy. i mean we hang out and just have a good time. i think all i want is to be happy. i havnt really been happy in so long i just dont want to lose that. but is it the best thing to keep it? i mean i honestly want to but im not sure if that is what he is wanting to continue to do...i guess all i can do is pray
at the start of this i tried to blame myself...what did i do wrong...but i had to realize that i cant blame myself i havnt done anything wrong. i guess the only thing i can blame myself for is getting in too deep without know what to expect. honestly i prob would have preffered not to know what happend. i think if i just didnt know then things would have been fine, but what if it came up again? how would i have handled it then? i was so calm and just chill...it was crazy i honestly did not know how to act abut it. i talked to aubrie and she had the same reaction thati did. *sigh* this is exhausting! LoL i dont like this..i jsut want it to be normal and i just want....i just want to be happy.....
all i can do is pray....
.........until next time........
...PoStEd By... ms.composure ...@... 1/21/2009 08:38:00 PM
Monday, January 19, 2009
...PoStEd By... ms.composure ...@... 1/19/2009 06:09:00 PM
Sunday, January 18, 2009
...PoStEd By... ms.composure ...@... 1/18/2009 08:48:00 AM
Friday, January 16, 2009
in the words of : Trae Tha Truth : Tha Diary Of Tha Truth...intro track...
"...i wake in the morning.....put on my face...
the one thats gonna get me thru another day...
dosent really matter how i feel inside...
becuase life is like a game sometime..."
somedays this is exactly how i feel. i mean not in a im depressed and i hate the world and the world hates me kinda way...just in a way of what am i gonna do after this year...i mean who (if anyone) am i going to end up with?...just typical questions about my life. i wouldnt say at all the i am a depressed or depressing kinda of person. i hate to be sad, most importantly i hate when people try to bring my mood or spirits down. i always try to look for the best in any situation and i try to be happy. you enjoy the day so much more if you sit back and think how blessed you truly are. even the simple things that i have in my life, i know that there is someone or some family who has a fraction of the things that i have. i guess the things i seek for now are self fulfillment and to aspire and achieve my goals. not to mention find someone who will just capture my heart...LoL (capture my heart and fall in love are 2 diff things....like i said before does true love really exist? )
last night i asked brandon if he would be my valentine and he asked me a really good question...what is a valentine? well that is a good question...
last year i did not have one. i found myself sending things to friends and doing more for them than i did for myself...and i dont want to be like that this year. this will be year 2 of no "valentine" if brandon dosnt ask. i mean im not expecting the world...i even told him all he has to do is hug, kiss me and maybe hold my hand...LoL...knowing how much he is against that, that would be the perfect evening for me. bbbbut im not going to lie, i have had a few friends(who are seriously friend status) ask me about valentines day...i mean i could just say yes and get what i can take, but i dont want to spend heart day with any of them. i honestly would rather spend it with brandon. i mean yea we are not dating (the topic hasnt even come up, and to be honest it dosnt bother me) but ijust want more of an initiative...i hav grown fond of brandon im just not sure how he feels about me...i am terrified to ask...i really am. i think it is because of my last situation. i dont want to feel that way again...but i guess that is a risk that you take with everyone you meet and become friends with...i still want to try to avoid it...but im not sure if i will be able to b/c that question keeps running thru my mind and i am very curious to know the answer...*sigh* maybe someday soon i will work up the courage to ask...when i do you will be the first to know! LoL
....................until next time........................
...PoStEd By... ms.composure ...@... 1/16/2009 05:41:00 PM
Thursday, January 15, 2009
ooooooooooh yea! the boys won last night...it was a buzzer beater...as u can see the guy who made the shot is n the middle of the huddle...but it was a good game. im glad they won. they needed it :) now all i gotta do is work on my club team and see how far we can go this year! :)
.....................until nex time............
...PoStEd By... ms.composure ...@... 1/15/2009 07:30:00 PM
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Once the love was strongNow it's long, long goneCause the pain, pain now as a stormI would make, growing oldCause I want you, cause I want youI want you, I want youI've been thinking bout, I've been thinking boutI've been thinking bout you latelyThoughts take me to when we were closeAddicted to your love, feel I need another doseI know it's a feeling that should be long goneThings seem to come up when I hear our songGolden brown girl, it seemed so longSince I heard your voice, where did the king go wrong?Emotions that, that they linger onI guess cause I never knew a love so strongSo many hot girls I need your warmThe taste of your mouth girl I need your warmGood food and love I need your warmThis here was made before we were bornA dreamer so I'm a keep dreaming onIt's kind of like 'The Breakup' with Jen and Vince VaughnOnce the love was strongNow it's long, long goneCause the pain, pain now as a stormI would make, growing oldCause I want you, cause I want youI want you, I want youCause I want you, cause I want youI want you, I want youThey say you don't know, know, know what you gotTill what u got is goneYeah I write such and such, yo a lot but the feelings not as strongWe were like 2 birds that were able to flyI try to pick the right words to say to the skySome days I would try but wasn't able to cryI never been good at saying goodbyeI take a deep breath when the times is hardWhen I reminisce over you, my GodI spent many years trying to be the heartthrobI guess it's only right that I got my heart robbedThe scent of a room that reminds me of youA hint of perfume it reminds me of youTake a look at the moon it reminds me of youHope the stars and the gods align me and youWe do what we do and we do what we liveI love this way cause I got it as a kidWith so much to give from it, I never hidThe love that I wrote on the mirror it got smearedMy friends say it was a change for the betterBut I say, girl you changed my foreverRelationships they can be as strange as the weatherRain or sun we can sing this togetherCause I want you, cause I want youI want you, I want youCause I want you, cause I want youI want you, I want you
...PoStEd By... ms.composure ...@... 1/14/2009 06:38:00 PM
Monday, January 12, 2009
well today was "officially" the last first day of class that i had. i graduate in may and this is my last semester needed to get the degree i have been seeking for the past 4 1/2 years....now what i do after this semester is still in question, but hey at least i am on the right track. this is ther first semester i dont have to take 15-17 hours (i am taking 12!!!), and i dont have any classes on tuesday!!!! that is the first time ever which is really nice. it dosnt seem like school has started. but it will take me a few days to get back in the groove of everything.
i got another rejection letter today :( i figured as much but oh well, all i can do it keep trying...
i havnt unpacked from the break yet...all my bags are sitting allllll over my floor and i have clothes everywhere...LoL ill get to it eventually...but i do need to clean it up b/c im tired of stepping over stuff just to walk across my room.
well i was at work and had some spare time and decided to write....
......until next time.......
...PoStEd By... ms.composure ...@... 1/12/2009 06:28:00 PM
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Well i have decided NOT to make a list of new years resolutions....i decided to dub this year "The Year of The First"...this year i am going to push myself to do things i have not done for whatever reasons....ive gone to miami for new years (the first time i have spent new years someplace other than at home in lubbock texas!!!), i held an alligator...the first xmas i didnt go too overboard with giving ppl gifts (i know its tech not 2009, but its close enough and that when i came up with the idea....LoL), hmmm this time at home is the first time ihave really just spoiled myself...with the extra money i didnt save whil ei was in miami i bought myselfe some shoes, new flat iron (VERy expensive), and some clothes..., oh while in miami i tried alot of differnt foods such as cuban, Mediterranean, a place called Fogo De Chio (OMG one of my top 5 fav places), tried alot of new alcoholic drinks,....
these past 11 days of january i have already done ALOT of new and different things...and that is just the start of it. i plan to do many more...
now my goals ...
1. say NO to procrastination!!!! (its my worst enemy and i do it all the time, i need to stop NOW)
2. be more mindful and less wasteful of $ ( i mean im not rich but i am able to get by with a little extra and i always just get what i want when i need to be more mindful and save every penny that i can...like eating at home, not buying stupid things, not having to pay stupid fines, etc)
3. score well on the MCATs and get my grades up (next year i want to be very competitive and not be afraid to apply to any school that i want too...)
4. Be more honest and truthful and become someones top priority for once (who cares what ppl will think, i need to start caring less about other ppl and MORE about me. im tired of taking the back seat to other people when i put them in the front seat.)
5. stay better n touch with family and friends (even tho i do a pretty good job @ it i can def try harder...)
6. grow more as a person and just enjoy each day MORE
7. add to this list b/c i know that there are alot more things that i can do to improve :)
...PoStEd By... ms.composure ...@... 1/11/2009 12:05:00 PM
well after a long vacation...i am back in kirksville :-/
i went home for xmas break and it was amazing, not to mention i was able to go to miami for new years with my sorority sister ashley. we seriously had the BEST time. we got to just hang out at the beach, we ate at alot of great places, went to the beach, hit up a few clubs, played with alligators, swam with the fish, took a boat ride into the sunset...it was alot of fun! i cant wait to see her again. im just sad she and i are the only ones with funds to do things like that. but you know maybe in a few years we all will be able to do something like that. we always try to plan something with everyone but it dosnt always work out that way.
well over the break guess who i met back up with....well who i ran into and hung out with for a few dayz....mr. jack king...boyfriend #2. yea, it was cool, and when i saw him i asked my self what did i see in him....LoL i guess im not attracted to him in anytype of way now...i mean despite the fact that he cheated on me numerious times, we still have managed to stay friends over the years which is cool i guess. yea...def friend status. the times we did hang out it was fun except when he would hit on me...LOL...yes it did happen but most of the time i laughed it off.
i got to spend alot of time with my best friend shawn. i already miss him so much! he is like family to me. i def cried when i left him. i just miss him and just hope that he does good. i am literally the only true friend he has and the closest thing to family he has since he is n texas. but i know i will get to see him again. but i already miss him :(
hmmm hung out with ashley...always fun as usual. we had a blast the last night i was there. me her and amanda hit up a bar and the D.Lounge and had a blast! ran into the alphas from tech, it was kool to see them! they were so cute...LoL...well not in the "im attracted" to them kinda way...in the way of "little brother wearing a new sweater" kinda cute...yea...i cant F**k with alphas...LoL 3 reasons....Antaeus, Raymond, and Ben...LMAO
speaking of Ben i got to see him and hang out. he just got a really good job and is doing really good forhimself. ben would be a great guy, he just...is an "ALPHA"....LoL yes to me that means something b/c i can put him in that catigory which labels him in alot of ways, but i cant help it...all 3 that i havemet have all been the same way...same traits, same flaws, same ideas....so why not label them the same right...i mean afterall in a weird sort of way they are all brothers...
got to hang out with the family. my dad...jennifer...i tim...my other brothers and sisters...it was kool i guess...i def had more fun with shawn and ashley...oh and goin to the mall everyday and gettin to go to miami.
oh i got to see ryan as well....*sigh*...*shaking head "no"*....thats all i can say...LoL...
well i got back to kville yesterday about 5:20pm. i unpacked the millions of bags and other things thatwere in my car, and just relaxed...took a shower, got all dressed up and cute, and then went to brandons and brians game. they did so good, but they lost again. They both got to play a lot (brian even started!) but that did not matter. brandon was so down about it. it was even so bad he really was just kinda in a slump all night when he came over. i can totally understand y he is upset...but he did eventully show that he missed me...i just hope and pray that they win their game on WED. the whole team is down b/c they have lost 7 games in a row...and its starting to take an affect on brandon and i dont like it at all...i dont even know what to say to him when he gets like that. all i try to do is let him talk, and i listen...oh and answer a question if he asks...but i really dont know what else to do other than that. i dont want to say the wrong things or make the situation any worse. well i hope he is n a better mood today, i really want to show him all the things i got him...i am super excited to give him his things. im not sure if he will be as excited but i know for sure that i am...LoL...
other than that...school sux...oh yea im still single...which isnt a problem im just wanting a little more than what i am being given right now...but i dunno, all i can do is pray about it and just wait to see what the good lord has planned for me in the future.
the future....hmm that is a good question...im not even sure what i want to do. i mean i applied to schools but im not sure if i have what it takes yet, i def dont have the money, and i dunno just the anxiety of it all does the same for me.
well im at work right now...which is much needed...being at home and going to miami broke me...LoL i was tryin to live like a VIP...having the best of the best...i even flew first class :) but im gonna go...i gotta try to do some type of work so that i can stay awake while im at work...LoL
..........................until next time...........................
...PoStEd By... ms.composure ...@... 1/11/2009 10:54:00 AM